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It is that I have to force myself to write here, that I remember the pro's of doing so, and I know its right. Its not only about the effort, or kidding myself into thinking Im good enough to pop in and out of this however I want, Im not going to compare it OCD or anorexia, but it is about control. Over your own stinky little universe. See, mine used to be filled with stars, and I think it is still, but there's smog too. I like smog, reminds me that I do live in a city and that I am moving in a pace a lot of people cant keep up with.
What I semi-do for a living now is involving a lot of swedish speaking, - listening and writing. Seeing how there's no bilongo in the sky anymore, and I have to translate half the things I say to small amount of company I am keeping, its hard holding down the few unruly english mechanisms still here.
Was out with a friend the other night, she said she sometimes have a hard time understanding me. As this is nothing new really, Im just surprised I dont hear it as often. Does that mean people are not listening at all? Am I testing them?
However, it seems, Im clearer in english. Probably cause I have to make an effort, constructing sentences, coming across as me, but not euro-weird (you know what I mean). I do find certain things easier to talk about in english, but I wouldnt say I use it as shield (ya, the whole thing about emotional language), its not like saying love is any less heavy than saying älska. Or ai, liebe. Words are words, if I say them I mean them. Its just, english tends to be a better window for explaining; for portraying and displaying thoughts and ideas, without necessarily making them my own (cause usually they are not), claiming them, capturing them or marking them down as permanent.
And, after having studied bilingualism for a while, I realise this is not typical. If Im relaxed enough I barely acknowledge the switch at all, no matter.

So, for this, as this is a part of me, and I now have an office, my own place, the logistics are cleared, Im keeping at it for a while.
Just to keep at it.