"Stan says youre a c-c-unt-t-t"

This place is still a studder, like we all know what Im trying to say, but we politely wait until I reach that last syllable. Thank you.

pre-coffee paranoia

Brace yourselfs, its true; I havent had my coffee yet.
In short, lately, its all been about me, me and me. Which, you know, is fine, sometimes it needs to be, but if you so blatently see why it is so, shouldnt you try to change?
Why, is because every single little thing is decided over my head, for me, and Im just trying to keep up. Its nothing like brochure said it would be, kids.

Its not necessary to bitch about it, I just need to change it ...like, soon.
If you want the detailed gore-y list of whats exactly the matter, here you go:
I feel Im not good enough for boyfriend, so I do anything he wishes, I live with two friends, but not of mine, I try to make us all happy, which leaves me having tantrums by myself, and they remark on things which really isnt necessary, at all, and also, in their effort of being nice, some people lay huge heaps of responsibility on me, which I really didnt sign up for, and ma & pa decided to make me boss at their restaurant this summer, and I just would like to escape the decisions and whatnot, please.
And you who dont give a damn, you can start reading again.

So anyhooo, I need to finish analyzing my spectogram, and we have our final test on monday.
I really should get to panicking soon, but I cant really be bothered. Coffee, anyone?

"Everybody sees themselves walkin' around with no one else"

Isnt that the truth?
At the end of the day, after all the friends we made and all the shoulders we rubbed, who's there beside you? You are.
I know Ive been hard on him before, and how I interpret his hetero-normative-reinforcement-movement will probably be dealt with here sooner or later, but here's to you, doc. We only have one best friend that is guaranteed to stick around, one to really confide in, trust and one we know is looking out for us.
Me, meet Self, Self, this is Me. Awesome, youre sucha cute couple.

Cause if Im going to try to find "my other half" (or something even remotely vague and hippiesque), chanses are that Id drop dead, of old age and/or dissapointment, before reaching that goal.
Im not preaching for total self-suffiecency here, or complete isolation.
No, I mean.., I turn insane if I spend too much time alone, you need to experience things outside of you too, Im just saying;
If you dont have your back, who does?

And thats all for re-stating the obvious today, thank you.
Give me a break, its been a very long day and a very tireing weekend.

Who am I? ...Im DoubtWoman!

Sorta big presentation tomorrow. We've been evaluating a machine translation system, and now Im supposed to stand there and tell them "our results". Its not as advanced as I want to make it out to be, and my only problem, besides "our results" being just as fuzzy it sounds, is the conflict of identity I meet everytime I have to do something like this.

Do I focus on reading up, preparing for questions that will surely come, rehearse the presentation in my head? Do I, like the athletes, visualise myself holding the best damn presentation ever? No. What do I do? I paint nails, do hair, pick out clothes, check the weather like a crazy person and breathe. Who am I? Im Doubtwoman.

See, in situations like this, interviews and what nots, Im pretty confident in me.
Im not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but Im good at bullshitting, using what I do know and ad-libing. False sense of security? Of course. But you know, so far so good, ne?
What I doubt is how I look. Always. So Im thinking why not beat that down first.

So here I am, curlers in my hair, nailpolish-smelling apartment, red wine on my desk, listening to Bowies 'Young americans'. Aaaallright.

Much Overdue: The Introduction, Chapter One (sliiightly updated)

You dont even know how much you want this, ladies and gentlemen.
Lets start with the basics: I am swedish, in a lot of ways. Im 24 going on 25, and Im not stressing about it nearly enough. Apperently, Im a RGLDf (the Windowshopper) and not proud of it.
Im studying linguistics, and I cant get this song out of my head. Im a caffeinist, and a nicotinist (of this, Im not too proud either). I do like, and can get a bit too excited about "nerdy things", good or different movies and music. Whenever I get my nose out of out of schoolbooks, it ends up in other books, magazines or (mostly) in front of shows I enjoy.
At the moment, I live with two guys, of which none is my boyfriend. Apart from the sitcomical aspects of this, it is both good and bad, I suppose.
Im an only child, parents still together, and this sorta makes me out to be a spoiled brat who believes in true love. That is not the case. Though I do find it hard to be an open cynic. I cant help but feel like that is "giving up". Whatever dark thoughts that stirs within me, are my own.

Im horribly unorganized, always doing things in the last minute and thru out gradeschool I kept hearing "We know you can do better, if you try", and apperently, that didnt mean I was doing bad. I like to think that I have the ideas of an underachiever with the mad skills of an overachiever (that kicks in way too late)..Or was it the other way around..?

Im easily frightened, mostly by myself (and the scenarios I make up) and by two asian horrormovies. The fact that I sometimes suffer from sleep paralysis, doesnt really help, but somehow makes it easier. Less crazy.

I discovered that the most provocative thing you can be, is unprovocable. Im not easily impressed, angered or insulted. As long as everyone gets to play by the same rules, Im ok with a lot of things.

One of the areas where I do get a bit stingy, is equalism. There's a lot of things I want to do, and Im hoping to publish a book at some point. Sadly, it would only be read by the people who doesnt need to read it.

Now, I have lab reports to write, books to read, and a head to rest. End of transmission.

Blank

Rightio. All focus on Thursday now, all focus.
Ive got some good news, and some bad news.
Good being my workload is somewhat lesser, Ive accepted postponing and turned it into an artform and I loved and finished Half Life 2 (late, I know, but thats how it goes).
Bad being; I havent done nearly enough. I have no job for the summer (not from lack of trying though, so Im not beating myself up over it) which means working for parents on Gotland.
In my head Im trying to paint this image of me being out in the nature, working hard, coming back to the city looking like Health personified. Yeah. Tanned, fit, rested.
(pause for laughs)
Its going to be hell, kids. Hell. Boss? Parents. Home? Parents. Salary? Peanuts. Health? I have echsema on my hands, and Ill be working in a kitchen. You do the math. Social Life? Nada. And yup, my darlings, probably little to no internet.
Im trying to look at the bright sides, focus on school work and being grateful for what I do have, and at least I have a job but you know.. My parents are known for one thing, which is screwing me over. When it comes to business and money, I cant trust them, and even if I could, I have no idea how to pay rent for May and June. These thoughts, with other things Im trying hard not to think about, tends to come at night.
And so, children, it is time for a confession (seeing how mostly "safe" people are reading this, if any)..
Im back to the state I was in 6 years ago. Sleeping disorders, trouble eating, trouble keeping food, sharp stomach pains and non-functioning mind.
ONLY reason why Im posting this here is that I need to put it down somewhere, you know, and I cant deal with some folks around me being too concerned or crazy about it, cause I know itll pass. Ill be fine. I just need to get through this.

Oh I cant wait til I get to write an upbeat post, something to match the song of the day:
Suburban Kids with Biblical Names - Funeral Face (such an odd song.)