title coming soon

i can watch but not take part where i end and where you start - an attempt to run a study blog

Tuesday, December 22


There's been a split within during this last year.
I guess, 08 took a lot out of me, and at times its hard to explain just how much (especially when Im still recovering sorta).

I was "ill" for two weeks. I needed the paper testifying to my "illness" in order to confess to it, and even then I mostly saw it as two weeks to finish all the things that had been put on hold, to see all the people I didnt have time for. There was no "illness", but I was "ill" for far longer than two weeks.

During fall, Ive felt things returning: Joy, Thoughts, Complexity, Gratefulness, Passion, All things that we perceive makes us human. I thrive on my inner life, always have, and like to persue my curiosity most of all. Sometimes at the expense of other things (work = money, grades, social life).
I recognize these periods as just that; phases. Theyll return and pass. I mean, really, as depressing as it may seem, life is very cyclic.
On bad days I feel jealous of classic geeks and nerds, how allowed they are to completely engage in (and thereby be swallowed by) their hobbies. I dont let myself, and on those days I blame the world order for it.

Be that as it may, as comforting and relieving it is to have "me" back, the winters of this barren land is becoming harder and harder for me to handle.
I close up more. I talk less. In sleep I clutch the pillow and grind my teeth.
These last two weeks have been a constant divide between my inner me, who is kinda excited about the future and surprisingly full of love, and my body (my other inner me, I guess) which is SAD. Like, really heavy-sad. Anxiety, nausia, tears lumping in your throat, heavy chest - kinda sad. 24/7. I get angry, because there's nothing to be sad about. Or there is, but not for me.

So, I guess I wrote this in case someone is reading, someone I know and love, who feels slightly ignored or forgotten, YOURE NOT! I love you, and I cant wait for the new year which we will fill with happy memories. Cheezy, I know. Thats just how I roll, dawg.

Thursday, October 15

the 'balls to the walls'-lecture

Oh man, what fun.
Going from stuffy articles of McBoring (1920) to flying thru Culture Studies of Fun and Awesome (present) with my new (functional) group; I dont wanna leave. This is the best time Ive had in Uni in a looong time, and I feel everything coming back to me.
I took the lazy way out last course, and now Im too busy enjoying this to learn.
Hopefully, maybe, this might result in a good grade, but Im not going to focus on that, I need to enjoy this and remind myself I can combine my favorite things, and actually have an upper hand.

(Essplenation: We're studying anthropological approaches to different cultural forms; art, dance, music and also (my bebe) visual anthropology. All my upbringing was filled with this, I get this, I know this, and I think I could turn it scientific on yo asses. Mi amis)

Thursday, September 17

On 'female' gaming

Christ. Can of worms.
On this (swedish, sorry), and other well-meant stupidity.
Lets just make this clear: There is no (typical) female gamer, like there is no (typical) male gamer.
There might be casual gamers and hard core gamers or whatever you kids like to call it these days.

All Im asking, from the game creators and designers, is what I ask from the movie makers:
Do NOT exlude me. Please. Im educated, Im a consumer and a fan.

Capcom's character designs are sad and tired, dated and even though we're getting somewhere in the latest Resident Evil, its not nearly enough 2009. I mean, you made the ballsy choice of white man gunning down local zombies in Africa, but his colleague still had to have heels? This is not overreacting; Im not going on about the T & A (cause Ive accepted the catering to someone who's not me, a heterosexual female). Its not about removing sex from videogames, at all.
Its about letting me have a choice. You have the machine power for it now, there's not a console or computer that cant handle a multi-linear story with a main character choice.
You've run out of excuses and from now on, you're just making cowardly decisions.

So, recap, there's no 'female' games for 'female' gamers. There's games that arent openly excluding female players, which might explain their popularity. (In this booming market that you are NOT tapping into. Idiots.)

Saturday, September 5

Tales from the Videostore pt.2

Giving up the poison tends to make you a bit stingy. But even with veins full of tobacco, Im not sure how well Id be able to deal with human nature.
Its never your fault is it? Its always someone elses fault. Instead of saying 'sorry' for knocking down loads of chocolate on the floor, you blame the whole thing on the placement of the case. Yes, but it was still there before you put your entire arm on it, wasnt it?
On the same theme, is the expected bad service:
Before you pay any money for anything, just assume its all gone down hill since the glorious 80's.
"I didnt receive any confirmation of my booking"
"Huh, thats strange, I sent it to you bout an hour ago"
"Oh well, I didnt check"
There's a huge difference, dickwad.


Wednesday, September 2

99 tokyo on the wall, 99 tokyo

Aanoo, this whole quit smoking business is hard. Ive always admired people who were hard-core smokers like myself, and quit without any gum or the like. Now, I think that might just be stupid. Id be a wreck without a few daily doses of chewed, horrible-tasting nicotine everyday and would, most likely, cave in under the smallest pressure.

Things were ill planned, or ill destined (since the plan was rather good, but execution failed) and them white lil bastards became a luxery to me during the summer, just like good food and beer, the step to non-smokinghood seemed more involuntary than anything else.
But I am, contrary to popular belief, a bird of my word. If I say Im doing this, Im doing this. I guess people around me just has to bare with me for a while.

The geese are living. Ugly sounds. Cold's coming. Im gonna like not having to open the window all the time.
Added bonus: Cant sleep. At all. Am using this time to brush up on my japanese.
(Was gonna add pic, but blogger seems to be not working. Just like the good old times:)

Tuesday, September 1

Yes, we have no money

Im looking something like this, and am absolutely made of awesome;
I havent had a cigarette for more than twelve hours.
Granted, a small achievement (since Ive been insomnicacy non-sleeping most of that time) but an important part of a much bigger plan: No more ciggarettes. Like, for reals.

I might still have one or two at New Years or grander parties, but the everyday smoking stops now. There's GH (boyfuriendo) support, there's gum and there's a a goal: Tokyo.

While youre wishing me luck, you can also make yourself puricute!
Now if just everyone who's supposed to send me money would, this could be totally awesome.

Thursday, August 27

On blogging

I think, thing is.. thing was. Is. I mean, have you read the blogs out there? Like, really read them?
It's like every commenter on youtube also has a blog, where they discuss other bloggers and (apperently) awful spelling/grammar. Often with horrible spelling/grammar.

I cant speak for anyone else, but re: swedish bloggers? Y'all bollocks, neo-nazis and anal. Were your teachers really that terrifying, that you feel the need to attack strangers left and right, implying that people who cant be bothered with spell-checks have lower IQ?
(The irony of complaining about people complaining in blogs in my blog is not lost on me).

I guess, having done this a couple of years, some of us feel intitled to some sort of respect or at least, a belittling smile here behind our screens. But we dont. Or, rather, I dont. I dont blog.
I cant tell this fukre apart from the rest of them (hint: there's less pics up). So, no, I dont have a header promising that this blog will entail "everything in my crazy life and head *teehee*" but part from that?

There's no way for me to run a study blog without the student. There's no way, for me, to go back to doing what we used to, my head doesnt work like that anymore. Maybe it would, if things were different, really no point in doing ifs.

As you can see, Im still horribly inconsistent with my 's. All is well.

ps. Appropå inlägget nedan så är det ju oftast så att jag vill dricka öl när jag träffar världens bästa vänner, inte att de pånåtsätt tvingar den på mig. Jag blir bara lessen när jag inte har råd att dricka öl med världens bästa vänner, och så gör jag ingenting istället. Det låter ju lite dumt, men så är det. ds.

Blog Archive