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It is that I have to force myself to write here, that I remember the pro's of doing so, and I know its right. Its not only about the effort, or kidding myself into thinking Im good enough to pop in and out of this however I want, Im not going to compare it OCD or anorexia, but it is about control. Over your own stinky little universe. See, mine used to be filled with stars, and I think it is still, but there's smog too. I like smog, reminds me that I do live in a city and that I am moving in a pace a lot of people cant keep up with.
What I semi-do for a living now is involving a lot of swedish speaking, - listening and writing. Seeing how there's no bilongo in the sky anymore, and I have to translate half the things I say to small amount of company I am keeping, its hard holding down the few unruly english mechanisms still here.
Was out with a friend the other night, she said she sometimes have a hard time understanding me. As this is nothing new really, Im just surprised I dont hear it as often. Does that mean people are not listening at all? Am I testing them?
However, it seems, Im clearer in english. Probably cause I have to make an effort, constructing sentences, coming across as me, but not euro-weird (you know what I mean). I do find certain things easier to talk about in english, but I wouldnt say I use it as shield (ya, the whole thing about emotional language), its not like saying love is any less heavy than saying älska. Or ai, liebe. Words are words, if I say them I mean them. Its just, english tends to be a better window for explaining; for portraying and displaying thoughts and ideas, without necessarily making them my own (cause usually they are not), claiming them, capturing them or marking them down as permanent.
And, after having studied bilingualism for a while, I realise this is not typical. If Im relaxed enough I barely acknowledge the switch at all, no matter.

So, for this, as this is a part of me, and I now have an office, my own place, the logistics are cleared, Im keeping at it for a while.
Just to keep at it.

Seems like Im only able to get the bloggin to function if Im annoyed with people enough. Dont get me wrong, I am now ofcourse, but not as much as to actually blog about it.
Unless Im at work 2 (videostore) where there's no end to it. Sadly, clerks have no blogging at work rights, otherwise the bloggosphere would be filled with good rants about idiots.
It is now, but I find that the idiot ranting you take home with you just isnt as potent and more sour than the spur of the moment loveliness one thinks of ten seconds after the acutal incident occured.
I digress.

What have I been up to?
Oh everything and anything and nothing.
Everything as in Ive worked full time (mentally, at least) with something that was supposed to be part time, get me places, and just in general, be fucking awesome.
Anything, anything at all I could afford or have time for was what I did when I wasnt working/stressing out. Meaning no choice.
Nothing is what I have to show for it now, come September. No money, no thesis, Im not too sure about work, definatly no tan fading, creativity and potential love all fucked, you know whatever.

Choices are important to me, its not as much about walking the right path, its about walking your own path. My path since forever, feels like its been chosen for me. I have no jewish mom telling me to be a doctor/marry a doctor, but I have a knack for ignoring whatever Im feeling and doing "the right thing", perhaps even when it might be wrong.
Whoa, either very deep or contradictory load of bull. I could go either way here, no one cares about this place, including me.
Point being, when someone "asks" you to work part time with research at the university, and youre as newbie as they come, its not a choice to accept, you just do. When your living with you ex, and youre soo sick of not being wanted (everywhere Ive lived damnit), an overpriced studentapartment is not a choice, its a fact. I can go on and on about how almost every aspect in my life is like this, but it wont make anything any different. What bothers me most is that Ive always been convinced that its all about choices, even the stuff that "happens" to you, are things you are letting happen to you. And now, this is true to an extent, but what about when you made the wrong choices for too long? How do you pull the breaks on such a thing?

.....

Well, I dont know. But: Beer!!