There's been a split within during this last year.
I guess, 08 took a lot out of me, and at times its hard to explain just how much (especially when Im still recovering sorta).
I was "ill" for two weeks. I needed the paper testifying to my "illness" in order to confess to it, and even then I mostly saw it as two weeks to finish all the things that had been put on hold, to see all the people I didnt have time for. There was no "illness", but I was "ill" for far longer than two weeks.
During fall, Ive felt things returning: Joy, Thoughts, Complexity, Gratefulness, Passion, All things that we perceive makes us human. I thrive on my inner life, always have, and like to persue my curiosity most of all. Sometimes at the expense of other things (work = money, grades, social life).
I recognize these periods as just that; phases. Theyll return and pass. I mean, really, as depressing as it may seem, life is very cyclic.
On bad days I feel jealous of classic geeks and nerds, how allowed they are to completely engage in (and thereby be swallowed by) their hobbies. I dont let myself, and on those days I blame the world order for it.
Be that as it may, as comforting and relieving it is to have "me" back, the winters of this barren land is becoming harder and harder for me to handle.
I close up more. I talk less. In sleep I clutch the pillow and grind my teeth.
These last two weeks have been a constant divide between my inner me, who is kinda excited about the future and surprisingly full of love, and my body (my other inner me, I guess) which is SAD. Like, really heavy-sad. Anxiety, nausia, tears lumping in your throat, heavy chest - kinda sad. 24/7. I get angry, because there's nothing to be sad about. Or there is, but not for me.
So, I guess I wrote this in case someone is reading, someone I know and love, who feels slightly ignored or forgotten, YOURE NOT! I love you, and I cant wait for the new year which we will fill with happy memories. Cheezy, I know. Thats just how I roll, dawg.
