"Women and children first, and children first"

Yeah, no, there's no need whatsoever to bitch about poor posting. Bitch, please.
Why?
I was at effin Gotland all summer, working for my parents. No net, no money, no fun, nothing but potatoes (really!). It was, by all means, horrible. And yes, youre right, whats the use bitching about it now, its over and done with, and it obviously didnt kill me, in which case it is supposed to make me stronger, right? Wrong.

After six weeks of panic attacks, hostage situations in the car, relief at 12 hr work days, and then back to crying and shouting, feeling like the cold, heartless kid Im brought up to be, and trying to remember who I wanted to be, I come home only to face post-traumatic stress bleedin social Fear (yes, with a big F).

I coup myself up, alone in the apartment Im never alone in, where Me and Mine is being more and more rejected, shoved away, blamed and ..Phew, you guys, you wouldnt believe the paranoia. Ill survive, like I always do. Nothing, nothing bends Ed.

I start working at a chain of videostores (retarded word nowadays isnt, should be dvd-rental or something), which comes almost too natural for me. In school we are right now in the exciting and thrilling stage of phonology, people, and Ive been lucky to have a few lectures in english which made everything much easier. It seems like thats going to stop soon though.

All in all, peeps, its going to be a fucking awesome semester, with:
* cool things to study (ofcourse I am going to bitch about them then..)
* new compy soon
* comedys, documentaries, drama, thrillers, action, everything in the reach of my arm for nothing at all, nothing at all.
* Sims Pets. No, shut up, its going to be awesome. I dont care how lame that makes me. F u.
* some actual extra cash, which means new shoes and stuff, which means Im going to be painfully hot this fall.

And d'you know the best part? I deserve every last thing after this summer, I really do.

"Stan says youre a c-c-unt-t-t"

This place is still a studder, like we all know what Im trying to say, but we politely wait until I reach that last syllable. Thank you.

pre-coffee paranoia

Brace yourselfs, its true; I havent had my coffee yet.
In short, lately, its all been about me, me and me. Which, you know, is fine, sometimes it needs to be, but if you so blatently see why it is so, shouldnt you try to change?
Why, is because every single little thing is decided over my head, for me, and Im just trying to keep up. Its nothing like brochure said it would be, kids.

Its not necessary to bitch about it, I just need to change it ...like, soon.
If you want the detailed gore-y list of whats exactly the matter, here you go:
I feel Im not good enough for boyfriend, so I do anything he wishes, I live with two friends, but not of mine, I try to make us all happy, which leaves me having tantrums by myself, and they remark on things which really isnt necessary, at all, and also, in their effort of being nice, some people lay huge heaps of responsibility on me, which I really didnt sign up for, and ma & pa decided to make me boss at their restaurant this summer, and I just would like to escape the decisions and whatnot, please.
And you who dont give a damn, you can start reading again.

So anyhooo, I need to finish analyzing my spectogram, and we have our final test on monday.
I really should get to panicking soon, but I cant really be bothered. Coffee, anyone?

"Everybody sees themselves walkin' around with no one else"

Isnt that the truth?
At the end of the day, after all the friends we made and all the shoulders we rubbed, who's there beside you? You are.
I know Ive been hard on him before, and how I interpret his hetero-normative-reinforcement-movement will probably be dealt with here sooner or later, but here's to you, doc. We only have one best friend that is guaranteed to stick around, one to really confide in, trust and one we know is looking out for us.
Me, meet Self, Self, this is Me. Awesome, youre sucha cute couple.

Cause if Im going to try to find "my other half" (or something even remotely vague and hippiesque), chanses are that Id drop dead, of old age and/or dissapointment, before reaching that goal.
Im not preaching for total self-suffiecency here, or complete isolation.
No, I mean.., I turn insane if I spend too much time alone, you need to experience things outside of you too, Im just saying;
If you dont have your back, who does?

And thats all for re-stating the obvious today, thank you.
Give me a break, its been a very long day and a very tireing weekend.

Who am I? ...Im DoubtWoman!

Sorta big presentation tomorrow. We've been evaluating a machine translation system, and now Im supposed to stand there and tell them "our results". Its not as advanced as I want to make it out to be, and my only problem, besides "our results" being just as fuzzy it sounds, is the conflict of identity I meet everytime I have to do something like this.

Do I focus on reading up, preparing for questions that will surely come, rehearse the presentation in my head? Do I, like the athletes, visualise myself holding the best damn presentation ever? No. What do I do? I paint nails, do hair, pick out clothes, check the weather like a crazy person and breathe. Who am I? Im Doubtwoman.

See, in situations like this, interviews and what nots, Im pretty confident in me.
Im not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but Im good at bullshitting, using what I do know and ad-libing. False sense of security? Of course. But you know, so far so good, ne?
What I doubt is how I look. Always. So Im thinking why not beat that down first.

So here I am, curlers in my hair, nailpolish-smelling apartment, red wine on my desk, listening to Bowies 'Young americans'. Aaaallright.

Much Overdue: The Introduction, Chapter One (sliiightly updated)

You dont even know how much you want this, ladies and gentlemen.
Lets start with the basics: I am swedish, in a lot of ways. Im 24 going on 25, and Im not stressing about it nearly enough. Apperently, Im a RGLDf (the Windowshopper) and not proud of it.
Im studying linguistics, and I cant get this song out of my head. Im a caffeinist, and a nicotinist (of this, Im not too proud either). I do like, and can get a bit too excited about "nerdy things", good or different movies and music. Whenever I get my nose out of out of schoolbooks, it ends up in other books, magazines or (mostly) in front of shows I enjoy.
At the moment, I live with two guys, of which none is my boyfriend. Apart from the sitcomical aspects of this, it is both good and bad, I suppose.
Im an only child, parents still together, and this sorta makes me out to be a spoiled brat who believes in true love. That is not the case. Though I do find it hard to be an open cynic. I cant help but feel like that is "giving up". Whatever dark thoughts that stirs within me, are my own.

Im horribly unorganized, always doing things in the last minute and thru out gradeschool I kept hearing "We know you can do better, if you try", and apperently, that didnt mean I was doing bad. I like to think that I have the ideas of an underachiever with the mad skills of an overachiever (that kicks in way too late)..Or was it the other way around..?

Im easily frightened, mostly by myself (and the scenarios I make up) and by two asian horrormovies. The fact that I sometimes suffer from sleep paralysis, doesnt really help, but somehow makes it easier. Less crazy.

I discovered that the most provocative thing you can be, is unprovocable. Im not easily impressed, angered or insulted. As long as everyone gets to play by the same rules, Im ok with a lot of things.

One of the areas where I do get a bit stingy, is equalism. There's a lot of things I want to do, and Im hoping to publish a book at some point. Sadly, it would only be read by the people who doesnt need to read it.

Now, I have lab reports to write, books to read, and a head to rest. End of transmission.

Blank

Rightio. All focus on Thursday now, all focus.
Ive got some good news, and some bad news.
Good being my workload is somewhat lesser, Ive accepted postponing and turned it into an artform and I loved and finished Half Life 2 (late, I know, but thats how it goes).
Bad being; I havent done nearly enough. I have no job for the summer (not from lack of trying though, so Im not beating myself up over it) which means working for parents on Gotland.
In my head Im trying to paint this image of me being out in the nature, working hard, coming back to the city looking like Health personified. Yeah. Tanned, fit, rested.
(pause for laughs)
Its going to be hell, kids. Hell. Boss? Parents. Home? Parents. Salary? Peanuts. Health? I have echsema on my hands, and Ill be working in a kitchen. You do the math. Social Life? Nada. And yup, my darlings, probably little to no internet.
Im trying to look at the bright sides, focus on school work and being grateful for what I do have, and at least I have a job but you know.. My parents are known for one thing, which is screwing me over. When it comes to business and money, I cant trust them, and even if I could, I have no idea how to pay rent for May and June. These thoughts, with other things Im trying hard not to think about, tends to come at night.
And so, children, it is time for a confession (seeing how mostly "safe" people are reading this, if any)..
Im back to the state I was in 6 years ago. Sleeping disorders, trouble eating, trouble keeping food, sharp stomach pains and non-functioning mind.
ONLY reason why Im posting this here is that I need to put it down somewhere, you know, and I cant deal with some folks around me being too concerned or crazy about it, cause I know itll pass. Ill be fine. I just need to get through this.

Oh I cant wait til I get to write an upbeat post, something to match the song of the day:
Suburban Kids with Biblical Names - Funeral Face (such an odd song.)

Oh no you didnt..

Yup yup. Not only did ma boy promise to take care of a bill (huge amounts of gratitude over here) but he also forgot it. The bill in itself is already delayed, and in my name. Of course, this is not his or anyone elses fault except my own, but it also proves I cant trust anyone but myself to get it done.
In the realising moment of this, I also find out there's too little money on my account to pay the rent. Becuase the fucktards (who spend their days very close computers, ie able to transfer money) didnt do the ONE thing that is asked of them. ONE. Im not even bitching about toiletpaper, garbage, advertisment, newspapers, I swear to god Im not.
Also, I got home way too late today, no studying done and probably horrible results on phonetics quiz, cause Im doing twice the amount of work my fellowstudents are in our particular group. I dont even know why.

Yup. You got me. Its a pity post. Felt like a natural evolution after drunken post, no?
Im just very very tired, and constantly slipping behind. And so hysterically broke. And so sick of being the only adult. All the time. (Which, you know, tends to make you heap all your stuff on the people who actually can take care of themselves, and that makes me feel like a bad panda).

And for the love of.. If youre sitting überclose to your speakers in the livingroom (you know, where other people live), you really dont need to crank your speakers up. You just dont.

Drunk blogging, pt. 1

Oh crap. Here it is again. Drunk blogging when there's other things to be done.
So uhm.. You know when you get together with someone from the past, and you dont really want it to end? Yup. That. With a dose of doubt about..Everything really. What am I doing with boyfirendu, mainly, but also with school, since I am caring so little about it.
I dunno, man. I dont recognize myself, but on the other hand, I havent for the last months, maybe Im metamorphosing again? Or..Have I ever stopped?
These, combined with a lot of Tale of Two Sisters and Ringu, will be following me to bed tonight, as boyfriend wont.
He's magical. He makes all boo boo's and grown up demons go away. I love the security he brings, but you know what that means.

After all that I ran from...

...Where the fuck did you come from?
Head's about to 'splode. Like a very frustrated plosive, 'k' perhaps.
Today we're going to talk about change, children. It is, indeed, a very scary process, but oh so necessary. See, school hasnt been going ..whatyoupeoplesay..Great?
Which could easily been explained with, you know, managing a life and all. Ive been told thats a big no-no at uni. Fine, so the transition from working fulltime to studying fulltime didnt go as smooth as expected, no problem for this tough cookie.
Uh..What? Youre supposed to do it all the time? And X-nay on the halfassed attempts to fix everything around you? Not even your serious relationship or your messy apartment (since you apperently live with autistic five year olds. Which is odd, cause they do look like 23+..)??

Stop. Rewind.
Nah, hold it. Stop. And nothing. Thats it, isnt it? Nothing else. Not for some time at least.
Ive been all over the place, work screwed me over, illness and illness, friends, parents, I something you, no inspiration and no time for it, Oh ho hum I could make this a long, ugly list but I wont. Why? I make myself sick by thinking Im above excuses.
So, in our freezeframe, I am doing nothing.
If we fastforward Ill move quickly and awkwardly through Gilmore Girls, an egg, and now blogging. Oh yeah, between the egg and the blogging there was also the completely unnecessary relationship meltdown.

Ah yes. The impecable timing that is my boyfriend.
What I am (calm and collected) trying to say to him is: I need more time for studies. I dont want to spend more time apart from him, far from it, but this is what I need to do. And I dont know how to do it just yet, but I will try to figure out a way, and Im kind of close-to-breakdown right now. He gets this. One of the reasons why I dig him so much.
Then he turns all worried, then he turns all silent and thoughtful, and then BAM!
We need to talk about the relationship. Now, any girl (and quite a few boys, for that matter) would tell you; this is not a good thing. So ofcourse I wonder what he means.
Its no biggie, its nothing new, but we need to talk about it, it is important, it can wait til another day, but he hates leaving it over the phone... You dig? This is what I get on the day I need to make changes? Panic, problems and paranoia? Thank you. And good night.

Why I am doing this again pt.1

We find our heroine alone in springtime Stockholm (finally!), on the train, devouring a foreign magazine, not understanding a word, but looking at the pretty pictures. As idiotic this may seem, it is infact the only way to read a fashion magazine without getting brainwashed, and this she will happily explain to you, would you ask her.
Suddenly, as the train accelerated from the station, it was as if something evoked within her. It feelt almost like .. A hunger, no, a need, no wait, something deeper and angrier... Th-The lust to rant!
It mightve been the obnoxious men sitting behind her, or all these months she's been biting her tounge, or even the ridiculous situation at work, who knows, but the moral of the story is;

Censor or no censor, you cant shake me off that easily. Bitches, peeps, I am back.

I need this kinda place to make me feel moderately good about myself, I need this to create at least a third of my messy head into some kind of sense or ..Some kind of shape at least, and I need this to vent, rant, panic, bitch, thrive, ooze, be drunk and blog (one of life's bittersweet pleasures), and you get the picture...

Introductions is a challange, and Im gladly accepting it. Tomorrow.