There's been a split within during this last year.
I guess, 08 took a lot out of me, and at times its hard to explain just how much (especially when Im still recovering sorta).
I was "ill" for two weeks. I needed the paper testifying to my "illness" in order to confess to it, and even then I mostly saw it as two weeks to finish all the things that had been put on hold, to see all the people I didnt have time for. There was no "illness", but I was "ill" for far longer than two weeks.
During fall, Ive felt things returning: Joy, Thoughts, Complexity, Gratefulness, Passion, All things that we perceive makes us human. I thrive on my inner life, always have, and like to persue my curiosity most of all. Sometimes at the expense of other things (work = money, grades, social life).
I recognize these periods as just that; phases. Theyll return and pass. I mean, really, as depressing as it may seem, life is very cyclic.
On bad days I feel jealous of classic geeks and nerds, how allowed they are to completely engage in (and thereby be swallowed by) their hobbies. I dont let myself, and on those days I blame the world order for it.
Be that as it may, as comforting and relieving it is to have "me" back, the winters of this barren land is becoming harder and harder for me to handle.
I close up more. I talk less. In sleep I clutch the pillow and grind my teeth.
These last two weeks have been a constant divide between my inner me, who is kinda excited about the future and surprisingly full of love, and my body (my other inner me, I guess) which is SAD. Like, really heavy-sad. Anxiety, nausia, tears lumping in your throat, heavy chest - kinda sad. 24/7. I get angry, because there's nothing to be sad about. Or there is, but not for me.
So, I guess I wrote this in case someone is reading, someone I know and love, who feels slightly ignored or forgotten, YOURE NOT! I love you, and I cant wait for the new year which we will fill with happy memories. Cheezy, I know. Thats just how I roll, dawg.
Tuesday, December 22
Thursday, October 15
the 'balls to the walls'-lecture
Oh man, what fun.
Going from stuffy articles of McBoring (1920) to flying thru Culture Studies of Fun and Awesome (present) with my new (functional) group; I dont wanna leave. This is the best time Ive had in Uni in a looong time, and I feel everything coming back to me.
I took the lazy way out last course, and now Im too busy enjoying this to learn.
Hopefully, maybe, this might result in a good grade, but Im not going to focus on that, I need to enjoy this and remind myself I can combine my favorite things, and actually have an upper hand.
(Essplenation: We're studying anthropological approaches to different cultural forms; art, dance, music and also (my bebe) visual anthropology. All my upbringing was filled with this, I get this, I know this, and I think I could turn it scientific on yo asses. Mi amis)
Going from stuffy articles of McBoring (1920) to flying thru Culture Studies of Fun and Awesome (present) with my new (functional) group; I dont wanna leave. This is the best time Ive had in Uni in a looong time, and I feel everything coming back to me.
I took the lazy way out last course, and now Im too busy enjoying this to learn.
Hopefully, maybe, this might result in a good grade, but Im not going to focus on that, I need to enjoy this and remind myself I can combine my favorite things, and actually have an upper hand.
(Essplenation: We're studying anthropological approaches to different cultural forms; art, dance, music and also (my bebe) visual anthropology. All my upbringing was filled with this, I get this, I know this, and I think I could turn it scientific on yo asses. Mi amis)
Thursday, September 17
On 'female' gaming
Christ. Can of worms.
On this (swedish, sorry), and other well-meant stupidity.
Lets just make this clear: There is no (typical) female gamer, like there is no (typical) male gamer.
There might be casual gamers and hard core gamers or whatever you kids like to call it these days.
Clear?
All Im asking, from the game creators and designers, is what I ask from the movie makers:
Do NOT exlude me. Please. Im educated, Im a consumer and a fan.
Capcom's character designs are sad and tired, dated and even though we're getting somewhere in the latest Resident Evil, its not nearly enough 2009. I mean, you made the ballsy choice of white man gunning down local zombies in Africa, but his colleague still had to have heels? This is not overreacting; Im not going on about the T & A (cause Ive accepted the catering to someone who's not me, a heterosexual female). Its not about removing sex from videogames, at all.
Its about letting me have a choice. You have the machine power for it now, there's not a console or computer that cant handle a multi-linear story with a main character choice.
You've run out of excuses and from now on, you're just making cowardly decisions.
So, recap, there's no 'female' games for 'female' gamers. There's games that arent openly excluding female players, which might explain their popularity. (In this booming market that you are NOT tapping into. Idiots.)
On this (swedish, sorry), and other well-meant stupidity.
Lets just make this clear: There is no (typical) female gamer, like there is no (typical) male gamer.
There might be casual gamers and hard core gamers or whatever you kids like to call it these days.
Clear?
All Im asking, from the game creators and designers, is what I ask from the movie makers:
Do NOT exlude me. Please. Im educated, Im a consumer and a fan.
Capcom's character designs are sad and tired, dated and even though we're getting somewhere in the latest Resident Evil, its not nearly enough 2009. I mean, you made the ballsy choice of white man gunning down local zombies in Africa, but his colleague still had to have heels? This is not overreacting; Im not going on about the T & A (cause Ive accepted the catering to someone who's not me, a heterosexual female). Its not about removing sex from videogames, at all.
Its about letting me have a choice. You have the machine power for it now, there's not a console or computer that cant handle a multi-linear story with a main character choice.
You've run out of excuses and from now on, you're just making cowardly decisions.
So, recap, there's no 'female' games for 'female' gamers. There's games that arent openly excluding female players, which might explain their popularity. (In this booming market that you are NOT tapping into. Idiots.)
Saturday, September 5
Tales from the Videostore pt.2
Giving up the poison tends to make you a bit stingy. But even with veins full of tobacco, Im not sure how well Id be able to deal with human nature.
Its never your fault is it? Its always someone elses fault. Instead of saying 'sorry' for knocking down loads of chocolate on the floor, you blame the whole thing on the placement of the case. Yes, but it was still there before you put your entire arm on it, wasnt it?
On the same theme, is the expected bad service:
Before you pay any money for anything, just assume its all gone down hill since the glorious 80's.
"I didnt receive any confirmation of my booking"
"Huh, thats strange, I sent it to you bout an hour ago"
"Oh well, I didnt check"
There's a huge difference, dickwad.
/#nocigarettebreaksatworkhowdoppldothisomgImdying
Its never your fault is it? Its always someone elses fault. Instead of saying 'sorry' for knocking down loads of chocolate on the floor, you blame the whole thing on the placement of the case. Yes, but it was still there before you put your entire arm on it, wasnt it?
On the same theme, is the expected bad service:
Before you pay any money for anything, just assume its all gone down hill since the glorious 80's.
"I didnt receive any confirmation of my booking"
"Huh, thats strange, I sent it to you bout an hour ago"
"Oh well, I didnt check"
There's a huge difference, dickwad.
/#nocigarettebreaksatworkhowdoppldothisomgImdying
Wednesday, September 2
99 tokyo on the wall, 99 tokyo
Aanoo, this whole quit smoking business is hard. Ive always admired people who were hard-core smokers like myself, and quit without any gum or the like. Now, I think that might just be stupid. Id be a wreck without a few daily doses of chewed, horrible-tasting nicotine everyday and would, most likely, cave in under the smallest pressure.
Things were ill planned, or ill destined (since the plan was rather good, but execution failed) and them white lil bastards became a luxery to me during the summer, just like good food and beer, the step to non-smokinghood seemed more involuntary than anything else.
But I am, contrary to popular belief, a bird of my word. If I say Im doing this, Im doing this. I guess people around me just has to bare with me for a while.
The geese are living. Ugly sounds. Cold's coming. Im gonna like not having to open the window all the time.
Added bonus: Cant sleep. At all. Am using this time to brush up on my japanese.
(Was gonna add pic, but blogger seems to be not working. Just like the good old times:)
Things were ill planned, or ill destined (since the plan was rather good, but execution failed) and them white lil bastards became a luxery to me during the summer, just like good food and beer, the step to non-smokinghood seemed more involuntary than anything else.
But I am, contrary to popular belief, a bird of my word. If I say Im doing this, Im doing this. I guess people around me just has to bare with me for a while.
The geese are living. Ugly sounds. Cold's coming. Im gonna like not having to open the window all the time.
Added bonus: Cant sleep. At all. Am using this time to brush up on my japanese.
(Was gonna add pic, but blogger seems to be not working. Just like the good old times:)
Tuesday, September 1
Yes, we have no money
Im looking something like this, and am absolutely made of awesome;
I havent had a cigarette for more than twelve hours.
Granted, a small achievement (since Ive been insomnicacy non-sleeping most of that time) but an important part of a much bigger plan: No more ciggarettes. Like, for reals.
I might still have one or two at New Years or grander parties, but the everyday smoking stops now. There's GH (boyfuriendo) support, there's gum and there's a a goal: Tokyo.
While youre wishing me luck, you can also make yourself puricute!
Now if just everyone who's supposed to send me money would, this could be totally awesome.
Thursday, August 27
On blogging
I think, thing is.. thing was. Is. I mean, have you read the blogs out there? Like, really read them?
It's like every commenter on youtube also has a blog, where they discuss other bloggers and (apperently) awful spelling/grammar. Often with horrible spelling/grammar.
I cant speak for anyone else, but re: swedish bloggers? Y'all bollocks, neo-nazis and anal. Were your teachers really that terrifying, that you feel the need to attack strangers left and right, implying that people who cant be bothered with spell-checks have lower IQ?
(The irony of complaining about people complaining in blogs in my blog is not lost on me).
I guess, having done this a couple of years, some of us feel intitled to some sort of respect or at least, a belittling smile here behind our screens. But we dont. Or, rather, I dont. I dont blog.
I cant tell this fukre apart from the rest of them (hint: there's less pics up). So, no, I dont have a header promising that this blog will entail "everything in my crazy life and head *teehee*" but part from that?
There's no way for me to run a study blog without the student. There's no way, for me, to go back to doing what we used to, my head doesnt work like that anymore. Maybe it would, if things were different, really no point in doing ifs.
As you can see, Im still horribly inconsistent with my 's. All is well.
ps. Appropå inlägget nedan så är det ju oftast så att jag vill dricka öl när jag träffar världens bästa vänner, inte att de pånåtsätt tvingar den på mig. Jag blir bara lessen när jag inte har råd att dricka öl med världens bästa vänner, och så gör jag ingenting istället. Det låter ju lite dumt, men så är det. ds.
It's like every commenter on youtube also has a blog, where they discuss other bloggers and (apperently) awful spelling/grammar. Often with horrible spelling/grammar.
I cant speak for anyone else, but re: swedish bloggers? Y'all bollocks, neo-nazis and anal. Were your teachers really that terrifying, that you feel the need to attack strangers left and right, implying that people who cant be bothered with spell-checks have lower IQ?
(The irony of complaining about people complaining in blogs in my blog is not lost on me).
I guess, having done this a couple of years, some of us feel intitled to some sort of respect or at least, a belittling smile here behind our screens. But we dont. Or, rather, I dont. I dont blog.
I cant tell this fukre apart from the rest of them (hint: there's less pics up). So, no, I dont have a header promising that this blog will entail "everything in my crazy life and head *teehee*" but part from that?
There's no way for me to run a study blog without the student. There's no way, for me, to go back to doing what we used to, my head doesnt work like that anymore. Maybe it would, if things were different, really no point in doing ifs.
As you can see, Im still horribly inconsistent with my 's. All is well.
ps. Appropå inlägget nedan så är det ju oftast så att jag vill dricka öl när jag träffar världens bästa vänner, inte att de pånåtsätt tvingar den på mig. Jag blir bara lessen när jag inte har råd att dricka öl med världens bästa vänner, och så gör jag ingenting istället. Det låter ju lite dumt, men så är det. ds.
Thursday, August 20
Jag är så trött på att grina på min kammare över att jag inte har några pengar. Jag är så trött på att vänta på CSN så jag kan betala CSN innan den 31:a om de behagar att dyka upp innan dess, och jag är ännu tröttare på att försöka förklara detta för en snorvalp på telefon. Jag är så trött på att mer och mer förvandlas till Maggan, som är pank, bitter och ändå har råd att ta en öl, during which hon gnäller på att allt är förjävligt, för det är inte den jag är men den jag blir eftersom jag aldrig säger nej. Om man säger nej blir folk som inte heller har några pengar (fast sparkonto, några hundra fram till lön, eller föräldrar) besvikna och det kan jag inte med.
Jag känner inte igen mig själv och jag kan inte tänka mig, ens föreställa mig, en framtid då jag inte vänder på varenda krona, lånar och bjuds och har aldrig råd att bjuda tillbaks, eller blir provocerad av indredningsföretag/-programreklamfilmer. Det är så svårt att föreställa sig problem för dem som strosar in i videobutiken, slösar några hundra på förbrukningsprodukter som de njuter av i sina miosoffor och ernst-skärgårdsmys-kuddar. Jag vet att de har problem, bland kuddarna, men det är svårt att ha förståelse för problemens natur när jag inte vet hur jag ska äta. Det finns inget att äta, hörrni! Det finns ingen chans att betala csn, utan att få csn, och då blir det extra avgifter. Hörrni. Och den jävel som säger nåt om cigaretter kan inte ha läst särskilt noga, då det borde framgå att jag inte rökt på ett tag. Vilket inte alls hjälper.
Jag är jättetrött, vill gå och lägga mig. Klockan är 14:50.
Jag känner inte igen mig själv och jag kan inte tänka mig, ens föreställa mig, en framtid då jag inte vänder på varenda krona, lånar och bjuds och har aldrig råd att bjuda tillbaks, eller blir provocerad av indredningsföretag/-programreklamfilmer. Det är så svårt att föreställa sig problem för dem som strosar in i videobutiken, slösar några hundra på förbrukningsprodukter som de njuter av i sina miosoffor och ernst-skärgårdsmys-kuddar. Jag vet att de har problem, bland kuddarna, men det är svårt att ha förståelse för problemens natur när jag inte vet hur jag ska äta. Det finns inget att äta, hörrni! Det finns ingen chans att betala csn, utan att få csn, och då blir det extra avgifter. Hörrni. Och den jävel som säger nåt om cigaretter kan inte ha läst särskilt noga, då det borde framgå att jag inte rökt på ett tag. Vilket inte alls hjälper.
Jag är jättetrött, vill gå och lägga mig. Klockan är 14:50.
Tuesday, July 21
June-July, A summery
1. I cant believe I saw Dylan Moran live. I cant believe he's gone again.
4. I cant believe school's over for summer (every year you just turn into this high-on-life fourteen year old, waiting to high five someone)
5. Til you realize you have to work.
6. The 'Could you tell me if he's psychotic' Party (he didnt show up)
11. People! Whats wrong with you?
13. I still cant believe I saw Dylan Moran live!
20. Midsummer's, where I spent the evening conversing with my future self.
22. Where's the sun!?!?!
25. Oh there it is. Oh god. I'm dying.
28. People! Whats wrong with you?
1. I cant believe I haven't seen him for so long. Everything is just less fun without you.
6. Hi HI! There you are, I missed you so much.
9. No money, no food, no cigarettes. As usual.
13. Night out, I needed that.
16. Talk about the future.
17. Think about the future.
18. Jinxed.
21. Ideas taking form, net's growing, this fall; things gonna happen. Feeling strangely excited about unexciting things.
22. Jinxed?
There's been no room for tweets and blogs this summer.
All over the world, people have far more interesting and important things to say. Mine would've been customer-related bitching, there's limited purpose in that.
I have a few things to say, and they will emerge when good and ready. Sometimes the space I take is imagined, both the importance of it and the "actual tub space" (heh).
Im chalking that up to narcissistic tendencies, you may do so to.
4. I cant believe school's over for summer (every year you just turn into this high-on-life fourteen year old, waiting to high five someone)
5. Til you realize you have to work.
6. The 'Could you tell me if he's psychotic' Party (he didnt show up)
11. People! Whats wrong with you?
13. I still cant believe I saw Dylan Moran live!
20. Midsummer's, where I spent the evening conversing with my future self.
22. Where's the sun!?!?!
25. Oh there it is. Oh god. I'm dying.
28. People! Whats wrong with you?
1. I cant believe I haven't seen him for so long. Everything is just less fun without you.
6. Hi HI! There you are, I missed you so much.
9. No money, no food, no cigarettes. As usual.
13. Night out, I needed that.
16. Talk about the future.
17. Think about the future.
18. Jinxed.
21. Ideas taking form, net's growing, this fall; things gonna happen. Feeling strangely excited about unexciting things.
22. Jinxed?
There's been no room for tweets and blogs this summer.
All over the world, people have far more interesting and important things to say. Mine would've been customer-related bitching, there's limited purpose in that.
I have a few things to say, and they will emerge when good and ready. Sometimes the space I take is imagined, both the importance of it and the "actual tub space" (heh).
Im chalking that up to narcissistic tendencies, you may do so to.
Wednesday, May 13
world englishes
Which is actually a subject I would love to touch, being a L2 speaker and all, but not today.
No, today its quicky-posty time, I have movies to watch, things to take care of and most definately books to read.
Following the honest guilt-trend here, Id like to say a few things about procrastination (guess what this is, btw). See, I know there's this idea of lazyness attached to it, and that might be partially true, but its not all of it. Again, its about fear of failure. If I dont give it my all (ie start on time and work on something for long) I wont feel as bad if doesnt turn out good.
Its hard trying to explain the procrastination way for non-believers, cause ultimately, it is a destructive force. I do think, however, that peoples work rythms are very different, and most of you who dont, would benefit from thinking the process thru before you start. The problem after that is just starting (and not the day before deadline).
Ive always been a procrastinator. I noticed early how I could get away with minimal effort, so I did. Thing was, I always got stressed by putting it off for so long, so the final (usually brilliant, ahem) product was always tear- and sweat drenched. I was waiting for the right time to do things differently, you know like, when it would matter. But I think it never did. I could always pull something above-average out of my ass when I needed, not becuase Im that smart, but because I understood what I needed to (with minimal effort).
Ive lost that ability now, and I guess thats a good thing. I need to work hard, really hard, on assignments "below" my intelectual capacity. Naturally, this breeds doubt and anxiety, meaning my starting's never come unless I find someone to make me.
This semester has been so much harder than it needed to be.
No, today its quicky-posty time, I have movies to watch, things to take care of and most definately books to read.
Following the honest guilt-trend here, Id like to say a few things about procrastination (guess what this is, btw). See, I know there's this idea of lazyness attached to it, and that might be partially true, but its not all of it. Again, its about fear of failure. If I dont give it my all (ie start on time and work on something for long) I wont feel as bad if doesnt turn out good.
Its hard trying to explain the procrastination way for non-believers, cause ultimately, it is a destructive force. I do think, however, that peoples work rythms are very different, and most of you who dont, would benefit from thinking the process thru before you start. The problem after that is just starting (and not the day before deadline).
Ive always been a procrastinator. I noticed early how I could get away with minimal effort, so I did. Thing was, I always got stressed by putting it off for so long, so the final (usually brilliant, ahem) product was always tear- and sweat drenched. I was waiting for the right time to do things differently, you know like, when it would matter. But I think it never did. I could always pull something above-average out of my ass when I needed, not becuase Im that smart, but because I understood what I needed to (with minimal effort).
Ive lost that ability now, and I guess thats a good thing. I need to work hard, really hard, on assignments "below" my intelectual capacity. Naturally, this breeds doubt and anxiety, meaning my starting's never come unless I find someone to make me.
This semester has been so much harder than it needed to be.
Monday, May 11
fuh-DELL-uh-tee
Turns out its impossible for me to write a strict study blog in english. Most of my imidiate observations and thoughts concern swedish phenomena, 't would be tarded and time consuming, not to mention tedious to read, to try and explain everything.
Secondly, trying to keeping this place up to date without mentioning my thoughts on books, classmates, teachers, ideals and despairs sounds fucking ridiculous now. What was I thinking?
A lot.
Which brings us to #3, I cant get around this without going all out; last years condition still has to be dealt with. So lets start there.
I know there's a high frequency of both malpractise, quick n easy solutions and misunderstandings regarding the "diagnosis" burnt out. Or similar.
What pisses me off though, is people who know me, and still doubt the legitimacy of my sick leave. Im still having a hard time coming to terms with what actually happened, how I will prevent it from happening again (something that wakes me up in the middle of the night) and how legit I think it is.
Not that any doubters are reading this, but Im not on any pills, Im spending money and time talking to a professional, I dont feel like a victim but the condition, whateveritis, affected my work performance. Thats why people get sick leaves, they cant work. I know, I know, I know, there's a whole trend of people being considered lazy on one end, and people using the system on the other. I cant speak for them, or their doctors.
My case was this; I didnt function. Luckily, even though it'd been building up over time (how long? dunno) the emergency break was pulled before an actual crash. Did I cry and thought it would be easier to kill myself? Yes. The crazy german doctor called it exhaustion/depression, and I dont think anyone around me couldve pegged me as depressed. We're different.
Bitchy doctor lady then continued to explain this as a lack of vitamines. She also assumed I was on a diet and wanted to get pregnant soon, but I digress.
The woman Im now seeing about these things, and general everyday fuckery, is cool. I think she kinda gets me, which is rare. Not that Im unique snowflake in any way, but I cant stand being held up to a norm not chosen by me. I think thats fundamentally human in a way.
Am I "cured"? I have no idea. I have serious issues with what Im studying, where Im going, and the future scares the crap out of me. This all sounds perfectly normal.
My sense of self has, for some reason, never been completely destroyed. My confidence in getting things done, has. Obviously it affects this place here, my words will never be good enough and my thoughts will never be clever enough. Im ok with that, question (again, probably not directed to anyone reading this) is, are you?
Secondly, trying to keeping this place up to date without mentioning my thoughts on books, classmates, teachers, ideals and despairs sounds fucking ridiculous now. What was I thinking?
A lot.
Which brings us to #3, I cant get around this without going all out; last years condition still has to be dealt with. So lets start there.
I know there's a high frequency of both malpractise, quick n easy solutions and misunderstandings regarding the "diagnosis" burnt out. Or similar.
What pisses me off though, is people who know me, and still doubt the legitimacy of my sick leave. Im still having a hard time coming to terms with what actually happened, how I will prevent it from happening again (something that wakes me up in the middle of the night) and how legit I think it is.
Not that any doubters are reading this, but Im not on any pills, Im spending money and time talking to a professional, I dont feel like a victim but the condition, whateveritis, affected my work performance. Thats why people get sick leaves, they cant work. I know, I know, I know, there's a whole trend of people being considered lazy on one end, and people using the system on the other. I cant speak for them, or their doctors.
My case was this; I didnt function. Luckily, even though it'd been building up over time (how long? dunno) the emergency break was pulled before an actual crash. Did I cry and thought it would be easier to kill myself? Yes. The crazy german doctor called it exhaustion/depression, and I dont think anyone around me couldve pegged me as depressed. We're different.
Bitchy doctor lady then continued to explain this as a lack of vitamines. She also assumed I was on a diet and wanted to get pregnant soon, but I digress.
The woman Im now seeing about these things, and general everyday fuckery, is cool. I think she kinda gets me, which is rare. Not that Im unique snowflake in any way, but I cant stand being held up to a norm not chosen by me. I think thats fundamentally human in a way.
Am I "cured"? I have no idea. I have serious issues with what Im studying, where Im going, and the future scares the crap out of me. This all sounds perfectly normal.
My sense of self has, for some reason, never been completely destroyed. My confidence in getting things done, has. Obviously it affects this place here, my words will never be good enough and my thoughts will never be clever enough. Im ok with that, question (again, probably not directed to anyone reading this) is, are you?
Sunday, April 19
1 step forward, 2 steps into shitsville
So, what a great week to be internet-less, huh.
Thing is, 'course I couldve used other peoples wires here and there, but easter and catastrophic things were upon me you see.
Now then, with that thwarted (meaning I can haz 3 year plan and housing) Im back in business.
She wrote, cautiously remembering "wireless" usually means non-existant.
On Baumann, last weeks read:
Baumann, in general, was a hoot to read. Calling groups 'politically retarded', drawing easy to understand parallells between the states and Europe without forgetting the differences. However, he's eager and angry, sometimes to the point where Im loosing both his point and whatever it arguments he used to make it. I guess he writes like I wish we could write (notice here Im already referring to myself as a scientist, ha!). When we know its right, and there's no time or energy to waste on petty things, and at that point you tend to communicate a kinda 'here's my truth, Im right, deal' text. This is, of course, simplification royale, but at its worst, Baumann is truthiness. Albeit, my kind of truthiness.
Im still struggling with understanding what culture is, or how it manifests itself, outside of the social science discourse. This is not a case of poor teaching or misguiding books, just a matter of how one is raised. No 'culture' was bestowed upon me, in order to seperate me from 'the others'. To every argument there was two sides, and reality was something you yourself shaped, just keep in mind that everyone else does it too. Growing up, you quickly realize everyone is not like you, Im guessing how quick depends on how different a stance you take. Or maybe, how well you listen. In any case, the essientialist view of culture, especially as a social scientist, is very hard for me to understand. And not very rewarding to use as a backdrop for any study. My task now is to learn how to at least pretend I understand it when talking to people. Which shouldnt be hard, I already know how to pretend-understand japanese and german.
We've moved in on Nuclear Rites almost a week ago, and Ive been so busy with the study questions I havent really had time to reflect on the reading it self. This hopefully just means Ill be engulfed in it by next week. In short, Gusterson studies a nuclear weapons laboratory, who works there and why, how is the interaction with the town and near-by activists, and what I would call, the relationship between the micro and macro of nuclear ideologies.
Im guessing his central message is (like Baumann) that there's no natural or given ideology regarding nuclear weapons. Himself being against it, he does a brilliant job of not letting that shine through too much. However, Im against any sort of nuclear weapons (and power too) so whatever bias views he shares might not be filtered by my own glasses.
The most interresting chapters are the ones involving the secrecy in and around the lab. Some very high-tech FBI stuff, there.
More on this and much more later, the pile of work next to me seems to have grown half a meter since last I looked. Blargh.
Thing is, 'course I couldve used other peoples wires here and there, but easter and catastrophic things were upon me you see.
Now then, with that thwarted (meaning I can haz 3 year plan and housing) Im back in business.
She wrote, cautiously remembering "wireless" usually means non-existant.
On Baumann, last weeks read:
Baumann, in general, was a hoot to read. Calling groups 'politically retarded', drawing easy to understand parallells between the states and Europe without forgetting the differences. However, he's eager and angry, sometimes to the point where Im loosing both his point and whatever it arguments he used to make it. I guess he writes like I wish we could write (notice here Im already referring to myself as a scientist, ha!). When we know its right, and there's no time or energy to waste on petty things, and at that point you tend to communicate a kinda 'here's my truth, Im right, deal' text. This is, of course, simplification royale, but at its worst, Baumann is truthiness. Albeit, my kind of truthiness.
Im still struggling with understanding what culture is, or how it manifests itself, outside of the social science discourse. This is not a case of poor teaching or misguiding books, just a matter of how one is raised. No 'culture' was bestowed upon me, in order to seperate me from 'the others'. To every argument there was two sides, and reality was something you yourself shaped, just keep in mind that everyone else does it too. Growing up, you quickly realize everyone is not like you, Im guessing how quick depends on how different a stance you take. Or maybe, how well you listen. In any case, the essientialist view of culture, especially as a social scientist, is very hard for me to understand. And not very rewarding to use as a backdrop for any study. My task now is to learn how to at least pretend I understand it when talking to people. Which shouldnt be hard, I already know how to pretend-understand japanese and german.
We've moved in on Nuclear Rites almost a week ago, and Ive been so busy with the study questions I havent really had time to reflect on the reading it self. This hopefully just means Ill be engulfed in it by next week. In short, Gusterson studies a nuclear weapons laboratory, who works there and why, how is the interaction with the town and near-by activists, and what I would call, the relationship between the micro and macro of nuclear ideologies.
Im guessing his central message is (like Baumann) that there's no natural or given ideology regarding nuclear weapons. Himself being against it, he does a brilliant job of not letting that shine through too much. However, Im against any sort of nuclear weapons (and power too) so whatever bias views he shares might not be filtered by my own glasses.
The most interresting chapters are the ones involving the secrecy in and around the lab. Some very high-tech FBI stuff, there.
More on this and much more later, the pile of work next to me seems to have grown half a meter since last I looked. Blargh.
Wednesday, April 1
Day 1 & 2 Combined A
So, first thing's first. Im reading social anthropology, which Im hoping to cleverily work into the title soon. This teacher is heaven sent. Parts of our lectures were as close to Dead Poets Soceity Im ever going to be (not a fan, but that's not the point).
In four hours total, we've covered some Wittgenstein, the problems and complications with "culture", nihonjinron, reading for all the tards who are new to it and how this course is gonna play out in general. Mouthful!
Book we're currently reading: The Multicultural Riddle - Baumann, G.
Books I want to start reading already:
Foreign News - Exploring the World of Foreign Correspondents
King Leopold's Ghost
Dreams from My Father
My first reaction, looking back on the history of anthropology and our two last courses, is in all honesty, wtf? How, exactly, did this work? And for so long. I get that there was a lot of people who "did the right thing" or whatever you wanna call it, but part of me just feel we know nothing.
I understand the times were different, present ideologies and what was probably experiences as a right way to do it, just as I am set in my track now. Im just saying it shades the actual data we do have.
(I also wondered what possessed the man behind me to shout out colonialism when we're talking about important post-45 events. Or if the latin sic. in anyway is related to the reading instructions structural - interpretive - critical. I know its not, but I kinda want it to be.)
"Whatever we see could be other than it is. Whatever we can describe at all could be other than it is. There is no order things a priori."
How is this related to anthropology?
Well, there was this thing on chairs, right. The chair is only a chair cause we named it so, in order to seperate it from non-chairs (much like ethnicity, which also only becomes relevant in relationship to someone "different").
And I wonder about sitting? We all sit. I imagine the best anthropologic place to be is much like when youre abroad, trying to communicate with someone, lets say about chairs. They dont know it, you dont know what word they use, but eventually we must sit, somehow. When you reach that level of understanding and showing "Aaah, the sitting place? Oh ok" we're halfway there.
It wont be a chair, still, but at least we're sitting together.
This naturally led into the old "the world wasnt flat, but since people then thought so, anthropologists need to think so to." Of course, the conflict between the two views is interresting.
In four hours total, we've covered some Wittgenstein, the problems and complications with "culture", nihonjinron, reading for all the tards who are new to it and how this course is gonna play out in general. Mouthful!
Book we're currently reading: The Multicultural Riddle - Baumann, G.
Books I want to start reading already:
Foreign News - Exploring the World of Foreign Correspondents
King Leopold's Ghost
Dreams from My Father
My first reaction, looking back on the history of anthropology and our two last courses, is in all honesty, wtf? How, exactly, did this work? And for so long. I get that there was a lot of people who "did the right thing" or whatever you wanna call it, but part of me just feel we know nothing.
I understand the times were different, present ideologies and what was probably experiences as a right way to do it, just as I am set in my track now. Im just saying it shades the actual data we do have.
(I also wondered what possessed the man behind me to shout out colonialism when we're talking about important post-45 events. Or if the latin sic. in anyway is related to the reading instructions structural - interpretive - critical. I know its not, but I kinda want it to be.)
"Whatever we see could be other than it is. Whatever we can describe at all could be other than it is. There is no order things a priori."
How is this related to anthropology?
Well, there was this thing on chairs, right. The chair is only a chair cause we named it so, in order to seperate it from non-chairs (much like ethnicity, which also only becomes relevant in relationship to someone "different").
And I wonder about sitting? We all sit. I imagine the best anthropologic place to be is much like when youre abroad, trying to communicate with someone, lets say about chairs. They dont know it, you dont know what word they use, but eventually we must sit, somehow. When you reach that level of understanding and showing "Aaah, the sitting place? Oh ok" we're halfway there.
It wont be a chair, still, but at least we're sitting together.
This naturally led into the old "the world wasnt flat, but since people then thought so, anthropologists need to think so to." Of course, the conflict between the two views is interresting.
Step 1: Formulate a plan
The short version would be; I was knocked down last year, I picked myself up, Ive been sitting thru two godawful courses just to get to what Im studying now, I still cant let this place go and now I found usage for it (and so, me).
One of our assignments will be keeping a study log (how Kirk am I feeling? Very) and I intend to do so here. Out of the log a so called reaction paper will be born, I will get good grades and all will be well(-er).
This is handy for a lot of reasons; I get to properly form whatever derranged line of thought Im following, the much needed (i.e craved) use of english is validated and there's that ridiculous feeling of having to do it. Also, the need for personal b.s and excuses may or may not appear, either way is fine.
I think that'll do for introductions. Hi!
One of our assignments will be keeping a study log (how Kirk am I feeling? Very) and I intend to do so here. Out of the log a so called reaction paper will be born, I will get good grades and all will be well(-er).
This is handy for a lot of reasons; I get to properly form whatever derranged line of thought Im following, the much needed (i.e craved) use of english is validated and there's that ridiculous feeling of having to do it. Also, the need for personal b.s and excuses may or may not appear, either way is fine.
I think that'll do for introductions. Hi!
Thursday, December 4
It cant be that bad
right? I mean, if it were how could I have:
Stuffed my face with Turkisk Peppar (translation not needed)
Almost-watch silly weed comedies
Kinda developed a crush on a comic book artist (happens. Although the pattern I follow is interesting enough to blog about. later)
slater, dickwads.
Stuffed my face with Turkisk Peppar (translation not needed)
Almost-watch silly weed comedies
Kinda developed a crush on a comic book artist (happens. Although the pattern I follow is interesting enough to blog about. later)
slater, dickwads.
part 2
Here's to new beginnings; I just got unofficially diagnosed as 'burnt-out' with severe syndromes. Im not even sure what that means, and I just recently accepted this made up condition as an actual illness, so why am I not more surprised?
Where do we go from here?
Well, yeah, you know, Im at the office (still Uni), I should be transcribing, but to be perfectly honest, if I never transcribe again, itll be too soon. Ive been doing it forever now, but some of them are so weird I never get past that 5 min/hour mark. Or maybe its the man slaughtering the radiators above, the anxiety of being here or the grilled chicken thats flapping around in my head. Whatever the reason, blogs are back in fashion (or on their way out, its hard to keep track these days).
Now, there's a lot of things I didnt/dont get with the MMBH (massive multimedia blog hysteria).
Maybe Ill just do a list and change my mind someway half thru? Ok, ready?
Now, there's a lot of things I didnt/dont get with the MMBH (massive multimedia blog hysteria).
Maybe Ill just do a list and change my mind someway half thru? Ok, ready?
- Not fashion blogs, but the amount of fashion blogs. There are whole communities dedicated to showing off the users daily outfits, there are fruit-sites, you know, so why so many one-person blogs/opinions about something as (lets face it, I know it hurts) mundane as fashion?
- The "Nice-rules", the anti-cyber bullying campains, the idea of a 'blog community' with similar opinions and focus, all while its normal, even encouraged, to write whatever they like about britneyjordanbushidiocracy. So, what, internet is for you and your little friends and people who doesnt agree with you should "respect your space and privacy"? There are such things as actual paper journals, Word (tip: name the folder 0811, Nov 08 or My thoughts) and, again, communities where you decide who reads your journal. Noone likes a troll, but if you dont feed it, itll go away.
- I think that all bloggers realise the absurdity of blogging about everyday life, and (rightfully so) question why anyone should read it, thats the charm. Assume we're all in it or not in it for different reasons, the fun of reading blogs is, for me, finding those out. However, unless youre hysterically funny or attractive, you and the antics of your cat will only generate a very small group of readers. There's no shame in this.
- I think that viewing blogs as some homogenic group/phenomena is silly and boring, and call for higher education/internet restrictions. Some of us do enjoy the possibilty of keeping mystery, beauty (I might not strike you as such at the moment) and fiction close, we are very much allowed to do so.
Tuesday, September 16
No titles
It is that I have to force myself to write here, that I remember the pro's of doing so, and I know its right. Its not only about the effort, or kidding myself into thinking Im good enough to pop in and out of this however I want, Im not going to compare it OCD or anorexia, but it is about control. Over your own stinky little universe. See, mine used to be filled with stars, and I think it is still, but there's smog too. I like smog, reminds me that I do live in a city and that I am moving in a pace a lot of people cant keep up with.
What I semi-do for a living now is involving a lot of swedish speaking, - listening and writing. Seeing how there's no bilongo in the sky anymore, and I have to translate half the things I say to small amount of company I am keeping, its hard holding down the few unruly english mechanisms still here.
Was out with a friend the other night, she said she sometimes have a hard time understanding me. As this is nothing new really, Im just surprised I dont hear it as often. Does that mean people are not listening at all? Am I testing them?
However, it seems, Im clearer in english. Probably cause I have to make an effort, constructing sentences, coming across as me, but not euro-weird (you know what I mean). I do find certain things easier to talk about in english, but I wouldnt say I use it as shield (ya, the whole thing about emotional language), its not like saying love is any less heavy than saying älska. Or ai, liebe. Words are words, if I say them I mean them. Its just, english tends to be a better window for explaining; for portraying and displaying thoughts and ideas, without necessarily making them my own (cause usually they are not), claiming them, capturing them or marking them down as permanent.
And, after having studied bilingualism for a while, I realise this is not typical. If Im relaxed enough I barely acknowledge the switch at all, no matter.
So, for this, as this is a part of me, and I now have an office, my own place, the logistics are cleared, Im keeping at it for a while.
Just to keep at it.
What I semi-do for a living now is involving a lot of swedish speaking, - listening and writing. Seeing how there's no bilongo in the sky anymore, and I have to translate half the things I say to small amount of company I am keeping, its hard holding down the few unruly english mechanisms still here.
Was out with a friend the other night, she said she sometimes have a hard time understanding me. As this is nothing new really, Im just surprised I dont hear it as often. Does that mean people are not listening at all? Am I testing them?
However, it seems, Im clearer in english. Probably cause I have to make an effort, constructing sentences, coming across as me, but not euro-weird (you know what I mean). I do find certain things easier to talk about in english, but I wouldnt say I use it as shield (ya, the whole thing about emotional language), its not like saying love is any less heavy than saying älska. Or ai, liebe. Words are words, if I say them I mean them. Its just, english tends to be a better window for explaining; for portraying and displaying thoughts and ideas, without necessarily making them my own (cause usually they are not), claiming them, capturing them or marking them down as permanent.
And, after having studied bilingualism for a while, I realise this is not typical. If Im relaxed enough I barely acknowledge the switch at all, no matter.
So, for this, as this is a part of me, and I now have an office, my own place, the logistics are cleared, Im keeping at it for a while.
Just to keep at it.
Friday, September 12
Seems like Im only able to get the bloggin to function if Im annoyed with people enough. Dont get me wrong, I am now ofcourse, but not as much as to actually blog about it.
Unless Im at work 2 (videostore) where there's no end to it. Sadly, clerks have no blogging at work rights, otherwise the bloggosphere would be filled with good rants about idiots.
It is now, but I find that the idiot ranting you take home with you just isnt as potent and more sour than the spur of the moment loveliness one thinks of ten seconds after the acutal incident occured.
I digress.
What have I been up to?
Oh everything and anything and nothing.
Everything as in Ive worked full time (mentally, at least) with something that was supposed to be part time, get me places, and just in general, be fucking awesome.
Anything, anything at all I could afford or have time for was what I did when I wasnt working/stressing out. Meaning no choice.
Nothing is what I have to show for it now, come September. No money, no thesis, Im not too sure about work, definatly no tan fading, creativity and potential love all fucked, you know whatever.
Choices are important to me, its not as much about walking the right path, its about walking your own path. My path since forever, feels like its been chosen for me. I have no jewish mom telling me to be a doctor/marry a doctor, but I have a knack for ignoring whatever Im feeling and doing "the right thing", perhaps even when it might be wrong.
Whoa, either very deep or contradictory load of bull. I could go either way here, no one cares about this place, including me.
Point being, when someone "asks" you to work part time with research at the university, and youre as newbie as they come, its not a choice to accept, you just do. When your living with you ex, and youre soo sick of not being wanted (everywhere Ive lived damnit), an overpriced studentapartment is not a choice, its a fact. I can go on and on about how almost every aspect in my life is like this, but it wont make anything any different. What bothers me most is that Ive always been convinced that its all about choices, even the stuff that "happens" to you, are things you are letting happen to you. And now, this is true to an extent, but what about when you made the wrong choices for too long? How do you pull the breaks on such a thing?
.....
Well, I dont know. But: Beer!!
Unless Im at work 2 (videostore) where there's no end to it. Sadly, clerks have no blogging at work rights, otherwise the bloggosphere would be filled with good rants about idiots.
It is now, but I find that the idiot ranting you take home with you just isnt as potent and more sour than the spur of the moment loveliness one thinks of ten seconds after the acutal incident occured.
I digress.
What have I been up to?
Oh everything and anything and nothing.
Everything as in Ive worked full time (mentally, at least) with something that was supposed to be part time, get me places, and just in general, be fucking awesome.
Anything, anything at all I could afford or have time for was what I did when I wasnt working/stressing out. Meaning no choice.
Nothing is what I have to show for it now, come September. No money, no thesis, Im not too sure about work, definatly no tan fading, creativity and potential love all fucked, you know whatever.
Choices are important to me, its not as much about walking the right path, its about walking your own path. My path since forever, feels like its been chosen for me. I have no jewish mom telling me to be a doctor/marry a doctor, but I have a knack for ignoring whatever Im feeling and doing "the right thing", perhaps even when it might be wrong.
Whoa, either very deep or contradictory load of bull. I could go either way here, no one cares about this place, including me.
Point being, when someone "asks" you to work part time with research at the university, and youre as newbie as they come, its not a choice to accept, you just do. When your living with you ex, and youre soo sick of not being wanted (everywhere Ive lived damnit), an overpriced studentapartment is not a choice, its a fact. I can go on and on about how almost every aspect in my life is like this, but it wont make anything any different. What bothers me most is that Ive always been convinced that its all about choices, even the stuff that "happens" to you, are things you are letting happen to you. And now, this is true to an extent, but what about when you made the wrong choices for too long? How do you pull the breaks on such a thing?
.....
Well, I dont know. But: Beer!!
Tuesday, March 18
well, yeah, but is it art?
Nah-ah, its 25 min of paint! Awesome!
Also; when youre eating a real tasty sallad, but its not enough, you know, you need bread.
If you, like me, put your bread in the owen a lot (there's an accident waiting to happen, and I dont even have insurance!), Im just going to share that keeping the owen open while its cooling off + tasty bread with olive oil and salt = just a lil slice of heaven.
Toast - heaven without the stroke.
Also; when youre eating a real tasty sallad, but its not enough, you know, you need bread.
If you, like me, put your bread in the owen a lot (there's an accident waiting to happen, and I dont even have insurance!), Im just going to share that keeping the owen open while its cooling off + tasty bread with olive oil and salt = just a lil slice of heaven.
Toast - heaven without the stroke.
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