title coming soon

Differences

2009-12-22T12:44:00.002+01:00

There's been a split within during this last year.
I guess, 08 took a lot out of me, and at times its hard to explain just how much (especially when Im still recovering sorta).

I was "ill" for two weeks. I needed the paper testifying to my "illness" in order to confess to it, and even then I mostly saw it as two weeks to finish all the things that had been put on hold, to see all the people I didnt have time for. There was no "illness", but I was "ill" for far longer than two weeks.

During fall, Ive felt things returning: Joy, Thoughts, Complexity, Gratefulness, Passion, All things that we perceive makes us human. I thrive on my inner life, always have, and like to persue my curiosity most of all. Sometimes at the expense of other things (work = money, grades, social life).
I recognize these periods as just that; phases. Theyll return and pass. I mean, really, as depressing as it may seem, life is very cyclic.
On bad days I feel jealous of classic geeks and nerds, how allowed they are to completely engage in (and thereby be swallowed by) their hobbies. I dont let myself, and on those days I blame the world order for it.

Be that as it may, as comforting and relieving it is to have "me" back, the winters of this barren land is becoming harder and harder for me to handle.
I close up more. I talk less. In sleep I clutch the pillow and grind my teeth.
These last two weeks have been a constant divide between my inner me, who is kinda excited about the future and surprisingly full of love, and my body (my other inner me, I guess) which is SAD. Like, really heavy-sad. Anxiety, nausia, tears lumping in your throat, heavy chest - kinda sad. 24/7. I get angry, because there's nothing to be sad about. Or there is, but not for me.

So, I guess I wrote this in case someone is reading, someone I know and love, who feels slightly ignored or forgotten, YOURE NOT! I love you, and I cant wait for the new year which we will fill with happy memories. Cheezy, I know. Thats just how I roll, dawg.

the 'balls to the walls'-lecture

2009-10-15T19:39:00.002+02:00

Oh man, what fun.
Going from stuffy articles of McBoring (1920) to flying thru Culture Studies of Fun and Awesome (present) with my new (functional) group; I dont wanna leave. This is the best time Ive had in Uni in a looong time, and I feel everything coming back to me.
I took the lazy way out last course, and now Im too busy enjoying this to learn.
Hopefully, maybe, this might result in a good grade, but Im not going to focus on that, I need to enjoy this and remind myself I can combine my favorite things, and actually have an upper hand.

(Essplenation: We're studying anthropological approaches to different cultural forms; art, dance, music and also (my bebe) visual anthropology. All my upbringing was filled with this, I get this, I know this, and I think I could turn it scientific on yo asses. Mi amis)

On 'female' gaming

2009-09-17T12:23:00.002+02:00

Christ. Can of worms.
On this (swedish, sorry), and other well-meant stupidity.
Lets just make this clear: There is no (typical) female gamer, like there is no (typical) male gamer.
There might be casual gamers and hard core gamers or whatever you kids like to call it these days.
Clear?

All Im asking, from the game creators and designers, is what I ask from the movie makers:
Do NOT exlude me. Please. Im educated, Im a consumer and a fan.

Capcom's character designs are sad and tired, dated and even though we're getting somewhere in the latest Resident Evil, its not nearly enough 2009. I mean, you made the ballsy choice of white man gunning down local zombies in Africa, but his colleague still had to have heels? This is not overreacting; Im not going on about the T & A (cause Ive accepted the catering to someone who's not me, a heterosexual female). Its not about removing sex from videogames, at all.
Its about letting me have a choice. You have the machine power for it now, there's not a console or computer that cant handle a multi-linear story with a main character choice.
You've run out of excuses and from now on, you're just making cowardly decisions.

So, recap, there's no 'female' games for 'female' gamers. There's games that arent openly excluding female players, which might explain their popularity. (In this booming market that you are NOT tapping into. Idiots.)

Tales from the Videostore pt.2

2009-09-05T12:16:00.002+02:00

Giving up the poison tends to make you a bit stingy. But even with veins full of tobacco, Im not sure how well Id be able to deal with human nature.
Its never your fault is it? Its always someone elses fault. Instead of saying 'sorry' for knocking down loads of chocolate on the floor, you blame the whole thing on the placement of the case. Yes, but it was still there before you put your entire arm on it, wasnt it?
On the same theme, is the expected bad service:
Before you pay any money for anything, just assume its all gone down hill since the glorious 80's.
"I didnt receive any confirmation of my booking"
"Huh, thats strange, I sent it to you bout an hour ago"
"Oh well, I didnt check"
There's a huge difference, dickwad.

/#nocigarettebreaksatworkhowdoppldothisomgImdying

99 tokyo on the wall, 99 tokyo

2009-09-02T07:34:00.002+02:00

Aanoo, this whole quit smoking business is hard. Ive always admired people who were hard-core smokers like myself, and quit without any gum or the like. Now, I think that might just be stupid. Id be a wreck without a few daily doses of chewed, horrible-tasting nicotine everyday and would, most likely, cave in under the smallest pressure.

Things were ill planned, or ill destined (since the plan was rather good, but execution failed) and them white lil bastards became a luxery to me during the summer, just like good food and beer, the step to non-smokinghood seemed more involuntary than anything else.
But I am, contrary to popular belief, a bird of my word. If I say Im doing this, Im doing this. I guess people around me just has to bare with me for a while.

The geese are living. Ugly sounds. Cold's coming. Im gonna like not having to open the window all the time.
Added bonus: Cant sleep. At all. Am using this time to brush up on my japanese.
(Was gonna add pic, but blogger seems to be not working. Just like the good old times:)

Yes, we have no money

2009-09-01T12:15:00.002+02:00

Im looking something like this, and am absolutely made of awesome;
I havent had a cigarette for more than twelve hours.
Granted, a small achievement (since Ive been insomnicacy non-sleeping most of that time) but an important part of a much bigger plan: No more ciggarettes. Like, for reals.

I might still have one or two at New Years or grander parties, but the everyday smoking stops now. There's GH (boyfuriendo) support, there's gum and there's a a goal: Tokyo.

While youre wishing me luck, you can also make yourself puricute!
Now if just everyone who's supposed to send me money would, this could be totally awesome.

On blogging

2009-08-27T17:01:00.002+02:00

I think, thing is.. thing was. Is. I mean, have you read the blogs out there? Like, really read them?
It's like every commenter on youtube also has a blog, where they discuss other bloggers and (apperently) awful spelling/grammar. Often with horrible spelling/grammar.

I cant speak for anyone else, but re: swedish bloggers? Y'all bollocks, neo-nazis and anal. Were your teachers really that terrifying, that you feel the need to attack strangers left and right, implying that people who cant be bothered with spell-checks have lower IQ?
(The irony of complaining about people complaining in blogs in my blog is not lost on me).

I guess, having done this a couple of years, some of us feel intitled to some sort of respect or at least, a belittling smile here behind our screens. But we dont. Or, rather, I dont. I dont blog.
I cant tell this fukre apart from the rest of them (hint: there's less pics up). So, no, I dont have a header promising that this blog will entail "everything in my crazy life and head *teehee*" but part from that?

There's no way for me to run a study blog without the student. There's no way, for me, to go back to doing what we used to, my head doesnt work like that anymore. Maybe it would, if things were different, really no point in doing ifs.

As you can see, Im still horribly inconsistent with my 's. All is well.

ps. Appropå inlägget nedan så är det ju oftast så att jag vill dricka öl när jag träffar världens bästa vänner, inte att de pånåtsätt tvingar den på mig. Jag blir bara lessen när jag inte har råd att dricka öl med världens bästa vänner, och så gör jag ingenting istället. Det låter ju lite dumt, men så är det. ds.

2009-08-20T14:40:00.002+02:00

Jag är så trött på att grina på min kammare över att jag inte har några pengar. Jag är så trött på att vänta på CSN så jag kan betala CSN innan den 31:a om de behagar att dyka upp innan dess, och jag är ännu tröttare på att försöka förklara detta för en snorvalp på telefon. Jag är så trött på att mer och mer förvandlas till Maggan, som är pank, bitter och ändå har råd att ta en öl, during which hon gnäller på att allt är förjävligt, för det är inte den jag är men den jag blir eftersom jag aldrig säger nej. Om man säger nej blir folk som inte heller har några pengar (fast sparkonto, några hundra fram till lön, eller föräldrar) besvikna och det kan jag inte med.
Jag känner inte igen mig själv och jag kan inte tänka mig, ens föreställa mig, en framtid då jag inte vänder på varenda krona, lånar och bjuds och har aldrig råd att bjuda tillbaks, eller blir provocerad av indredningsföretag/-programreklamfilmer. Det är så svårt att föreställa sig problem för dem som strosar in i videobutiken, slösar några hundra på förbrukningsprodukter som de njuter av i sina miosoffor och ernst-skärgårdsmys-kuddar. Jag vet att de har problem, bland kuddarna, men det är svårt att ha förståelse för problemens natur när jag inte vet hur jag ska äta. Det finns inget att äta, hörrni! Det finns ingen chans att betala csn, utan att få csn, och då blir det extra avgifter. Hörrni. Och den jävel som säger nåt om cigaretter kan inte ha läst särskilt noga, då det borde framgå att jag inte rökt på ett tag. Vilket inte alls hjälper.

Jag är jättetrött, vill gå och lägga mig. Klockan är 14:50.

June-July, A summery

2009-07-21T18:43:00.000+02:00

1. I cant believe I saw Dylan Moran live. I cant believe he's gone again.
4. I cant believe school's over for summer (every year you just turn into this high-on-life fourteen year old, waiting to high five someone)
5. Til you realize you have to work.
6. The 'Could you tell me if he's psychotic' Party (he didnt show up)
11. People! Whats wrong with you?
13. I still cant believe I saw Dylan Moran live!
20. Midsummer's, where I spent the evening conversing with my future self.
22. Where's the sun!?!?!
25. Oh there it is. Oh god. I'm dying.
28. People! Whats wrong with you?
1. I cant believe I haven't seen him for so long. Everything is just less fun without you.
6. Hi HI! There you are, I missed you so much.
9. No money, no food, no cigarettes. As usual.
13. Night out, I needed that.
16. Talk about the future.
17. Think about the future.
18. Jinxed.
21. Ideas taking form, net's growing, this fall; things gonna happen. Feeling strangely excited about unexciting things.
22. Jinxed?

There's been no room for tweets and blogs this summer.
All over the world, people have far more interesting and important things to say. Mine would've been customer-related bitching, there's limited purpose in that.
I have a few things to say, and they will emerge when good and ready. Sometimes the space I take is imagined, both the importance of it and the "actual tub space" (heh).
Im chalking that up to narcissistic tendencies, you may do so to.

world englishes

2009-05-13T14:15:00.002+02:00

Which is actually a subject I would love to touch, being a L2 speaker and all, but not today.
No, today its quicky-posty time, I have movies to watch, things to take care of and most definately books to read.
Following the honest guilt-trend here, Id like to say a few things about procrastination (guess what this is, btw). See, I know there's this idea of lazyness attached to it, and that might be partially true, but its not all of it. Again, its about fear of failure. If I dont give it my all (ie start on time and work on something for long) I wont feel as bad if doesnt turn out good.
Its hard trying to explain the procrastination way for non-believers, cause ultimately, it is a destructive force. I do think, however, that peoples work rythms are very different, and most of you who dont, would benefit from thinking the process thru before you start. The problem after that is just starting (and not the day before deadline).

Ive always been a procrastinator. I noticed early how I could get away with minimal effort, so I did. Thing was, I always got stressed by putting it off for so long, so the final (usually brilliant, ahem) product was always tear- and sweat drenched. I was waiting for the right time to do things differently, you know like, when it would matter. But I think it never did. I could always pull something above-average out of my ass when I needed, not becuase Im that smart, but because I understood what I needed to (with minimal effort).

Ive lost that ability now, and I guess thats a good thing. I need to work hard, really hard, on assignments "below" my intelectual capacity. Naturally, this breeds doubt and anxiety, meaning my starting's never come unless I find someone to make me.

This semester has been so much harder than it needed to be.

fuh-DELL-uh-tee

2009-05-11T10:49:00.002+02:00

Turns out its impossible for me to write a strict study blog in english. Most of my imidiate observations and thoughts concern swedish phenomena, 't would be tarded and time consuming, not to mention tedious to read, to try and explain everything.

Secondly, trying to keeping this place up to date without mentioning my thoughts on books, classmates, teachers, ideals and despairs sounds fucking ridiculous now. What was I thinking?
A lot.
Which brings us to #3, I cant get around this without going all out; last years condition still has to be dealt with. So lets start there.

I know there's a high frequency of both malpractise, quick n easy solutions and misunderstandings regarding the "diagnosis" burnt out. Or similar.
What pisses me off though, is people who know me, and still doubt the legitimacy of my sick leave. Im still having a hard time coming to terms with what actually happened, how I will prevent it from happening again (something that wakes me up in the middle of the night) and how legit I think it is.
Not that any doubters are reading this, but Im not on any pills, Im spending money and time talking to a professional, I dont feel like a victim but the condition, whateveritis, affected my work performance. Thats why people get sick leaves, they cant work. I know, I know, I know, there's a whole trend of people being considered lazy on one end, and people using the system on the other. I cant speak for them, or their doctors.

My case was this; I didnt function. Luckily, even though it'd been building up over time (how long? dunno) the emergency break was pulled before an actual crash. Did I cry and thought it would be easier to kill myself? Yes. The crazy german doctor called it exhaustion/depression, and I dont think anyone around me couldve pegged me as depressed. We're different.
Bitchy doctor lady then continued to explain this as a lack of vitamines. She also assumed I was on a diet and wanted to get pregnant soon, but I digress.

The woman Im now seeing about these things, and general everyday fuckery, is cool. I think she kinda gets me, which is rare. Not that Im unique snowflake in any way, but I cant stand being held up to a norm not chosen by me. I think thats fundamentally human in a way.
Am I "cured"? I have no idea. I have serious issues with what Im studying, where Im going, and the future scares the crap out of me. This all sounds perfectly normal.

My sense of self has, for some reason, never been completely destroyed. My confidence in getting things done, has. Obviously it affects this place here, my words will never be good enough and my thoughts will never be clever enough. Im ok with that, question (again, probably not directed to anyone reading this) is, are you?

1 step forward, 2 steps into shitsville

2009-04-19T12:46:00.002+02:00

So, what a great week to be internet-less, huh.
Thing is, 'course I couldve used other peoples wires here and there, but easter and catastrophic things were upon me you see.

Now then, with that thwarted (meaning I can haz 3 year plan and housing) Im back in business.
She wrote, cautiously remembering "wireless" usually means non-existant.

On Baumann, last weeks read:
Baumann, in general, was a hoot to read. Calling groups 'politically retarded', drawing easy to understand parallells between the states and Europe without forgetting the differences. However, he's eager and angry, sometimes to the point where Im loosing both his point and whatever it arguments he used to make it. I guess he writes like I wish we could write (notice here Im already referring to myself as a scientist, ha!). When we know its right, and there's no time or energy to waste on petty things, and at that point you tend to communicate a kinda 'here's my truth, Im right, deal' text. This is, of course, simplification royale, but at its worst, Baumann is truthiness. Albeit, my kind of truthiness.

Im still struggling with understanding what culture is, or how it manifests itself, outside of the social science discourse. This is not a case of poor teaching or misguiding books, just a matter of how one is raised. No 'culture' was bestowed upon me, in order to seperate me from 'the others'. To every argument there was two sides, and reality was something you yourself shaped, just keep in mind that everyone else does it too. Growing up, you quickly realize everyone is not like you, Im guessing how quick depends on how different a stance you take. Or maybe, how well you listen. In any case, the essientialist view of culture, especially as a social scientist, is very hard for me to understand. And not very rewarding to use as a backdrop for any study. My task now is to learn how to at least pretend I understand it when talking to people. Which shouldnt be hard, I already know how to pretend-understand japanese and german.

We've moved in on Nuclear Rites almost a week ago, and Ive been so busy with the study questions I havent really had time to reflect on the reading it self. This hopefully just means Ill be engulfed in it by next week. In short, Gusterson studies a nuclear weapons laboratory, who works there and why, how is the interaction with the town and near-by activists, and what I would call, the relationship between the micro and macro of nuclear ideologies.
Im guessing his central message is (like Baumann) that there's no natural or given ideology regarding nuclear weapons. Himself being against it, he does a brilliant job of not letting that shine through too much. However, Im against any sort of nuclear weapons (and power too) so whatever bias views he shares might not be filtered by my own glasses.
The most interresting chapters are the ones involving the secrecy in and around the lab. Some very high-tech FBI stuff, there.

More on this and much more later, the pile of work next to me seems to have grown half a meter since last I looked. Blargh.

Day 1 & 2 Combined A

2009-04-01T23:13:00.003+02:00

So, first thing's first. Im reading social anthropology, which Im hoping to cleverily work into the title soon. This teacher is heaven sent. Parts of our lectures were as close to Dead Poets Soceity Im ever going to be (not a fan, but that's not the point).
In four hours total, we've covered some Wittgenstein, the problems and complications with "culture", nihonjinron, reading for all the tards who are new to it and how this course is gonna play out in general. Mouthful!

Book we're currently reading: The Multicultural Riddle - Baumann, G.
Books I want to start reading already:
Foreign News - Exploring the World of Foreign Correspondents
King Leopold's Ghost
Dreams from My Father

My first reaction, looking back on the history of anthropology and our two last courses, is in all honesty, wtf? How, exactly, did this work? And for so long. I get that there was a lot of people who "did the right thing" or whatever you wanna call it, but part of me just feel we know nothing.
I understand the times were different, present ideologies and what was probably experiences as a right way to do it, just as I am set in my track now. Im just saying it shades the actual data we do have.

(I also wondered what possessed the man behind me to shout out colonialism when we're talking about important post-45 events. Or if the latin sic. in anyway is related to the reading instructions structural - interpretive - critical. I know its not, but I kinda want it to be.)

"Whatever we see could be other than it is. Whatever we can describe at all could be other than it is. There is no order things a priori."
How is this related to anthropology?
Well, there was this thing on chairs, right. The chair is only a chair cause we named it so, in order to seperate it from non-chairs (much like ethnicity, which also only becomes relevant in relationship to someone "different").
And I wonder about sitting? We all sit. I imagine the best anthropologic place to be is much like when youre abroad, trying to communicate with someone, lets say about chairs. They dont know it, you dont know what word they use, but eventually we must sit, somehow. When you reach that level of understanding and showing "Aaah, the sitting place? Oh ok" we're halfway there.
It wont be a chair, still, but at least we're sitting together.

This naturally led into the old "the world wasnt flat, but since people then thought so, anthropologists need to think so to." Of course, the conflict between the two views is interresting.

Step 1: Formulate a plan

2009-04-01T22:56:00.002+02:00

The short version would be; I was knocked down last year, I picked myself up, Ive been sitting thru two godawful courses just to get to what Im studying now, I still cant let this place go and now I found usage for it (and so, me).

One of our assignments will be keeping a study log (how Kirk am I feeling? Very) and I intend to do so here. Out of the log a so called reaction paper will be born, I will get good grades and all will be well(-er).
This is handy for a lot of reasons; I get to properly form whatever derranged line of thought Im following, the much needed (i.e craved) use of english is validated and there's that ridiculous feeling of having to do it. Also, the need for personal b.s and excuses may or may not appear, either way is fine.

I think that'll do for introductions. Hi!

It cant be that bad

2008-12-04T22:51:00.003+01:00

right? I mean, if it were how could I have:
Stuffed my face with Turkisk Peppar (translation not needed)
Almost-watch silly weed comedies
Kinda developed a crush on a comic book artist (happens. Although the pattern I follow is interesting enough to blog about. later)

slater, dickwads.

part 2

2008-12-04T14:06:00.002+01:00

Here's to new beginnings; I just got unofficially diagnosed as 'burnt-out' with severe syndromes. Im not even sure what that means, and I just recently accepted this made up condition as an actual illness, so why am I not more surprised?

Where do we go from here?

2008-12-04T12:09:00.003+01:00

Well, yeah, you know, Im at the office (still Uni), I should be transcribing, but to be perfectly honest, if I never transcribe again, itll be too soon. Ive been doing it forever now, but some of them are so weird I never get past that 5 min/hour mark. Or maybe its the man slaughtering the radiators above, the anxiety of being here or the grilled chicken thats flapping around in my head. Whatever the reason, blogs are back in fashion (or on their way out, its hard to keep track these days).

Now, there's a lot of things I didnt/dont get with the MMBH (massive multimedia blog hysteria).
Maybe Ill just do a list and change my mind someway half thru? Ok, ready?

Not fashion blogs, but the amount of fashion blogs. There are whole communities dedicated to showing off the users daily outfits, there are fruit-sites, you know, so why so many one-person blogs/opinions about something as (lets face it, I know it hurts) mundane as fashion?

The "Nice-rules", the anti-cyber bullying campains, the idea of a 'blog community' with similar opinions and focus, all while its normal, even encouraged, to write whatever they like about britneyjordanbushidiocracy. So, what, internet is for you and your little friends and people who doesnt agree with you should "respect your space and privacy"? There are such things as actual paper journals, Word (tip: name the folder 0811, Nov 08 or My thoughts) and, again, communities where you decide who reads your journal. Noone likes a troll, but if you dont feed it, itll go away.
I think that all bloggers realise the absurdity of blogging about everyday life, and (rightfully so) question why anyone should read it, thats the charm. Assume we're all in it or not in it for different reasons, the fun of reading blogs is, for me, finding those out. However, unless youre hysterically funny or attractive, you and the antics of your cat will only generate a very small group of readers. There's no shame in this.
I think that viewing blogs as some homogenic group/phenomena is silly and boring, and call for higher education/internet restrictions. Some of us do enjoy the possibilty of keeping mystery, beauty (I might not strike you as such at the moment) and fiction close, we are very much allowed to do so.

Today is december fourth, Im starving, stressing out and see myself being finished/collapsed in about two weeks time. This is my advent calender.

No titles

2008-09-16T13:43:00.002+02:00

It is that I have to force myself to write here, that I remember the pro's of doing so, and I know its right. Its not only about the effort, or kidding myself into thinking Im good enough to pop in and out of this however I want, Im not going to compare it OCD or anorexia, but it is about control. Over your own stinky little universe. See, mine used to be filled with stars, and I think it is still, but there's smog too. I like smog, reminds me that I do live in a city and that I am moving in a pace a lot of people cant keep up with.
What I semi-do for a living now is involving a lot of swedish speaking, - listening and writing. Seeing how there's no bilongo in the sky anymore, and I have to translate half the things I say to small amount of company I am keeping, its hard holding down the few unruly english mechanisms still here.
Was out with a friend the other night, she said she sometimes have a hard time understanding me. As this is nothing new really, Im just surprised I dont hear it as often. Does that mean people are not listening at all? Am I testing them?
However, it seems, Im clearer in english. Probably cause I have to make an effort, constructing sentences, coming across as me, but not euro-weird (you know what I mean). I do find certain things easier to talk about in english, but I wouldnt say I use it as shield (ya, the whole thing about emotional language), its not like saying love is any less heavy than saying älska. Or ai, liebe. Words are words, if I say them I mean them. Its just, english tends to be a better window for explaining; for portraying and displaying thoughts and ideas, without necessarily making them my own (cause usually they are not), claiming them, capturing them or marking them down as permanent.
And, after having studied bilingualism for a while, I realise this is not typical. If Im relaxed enough I barely acknowledge the switch at all, no matter.

So, for this, as this is a part of me, and I now have an office, my own place, the logistics are cleared, Im keeping at it for a while.
Just to keep at it.

2008-09-12T15:41:00.003+02:00

Seems like Im only able to get the bloggin to function if Im annoyed with people enough. Dont get me wrong, I am now ofcourse, but not as much as to actually blog about it.
Unless Im at work 2 (videostore) where there's no end to it. Sadly, clerks have no blogging at work rights, otherwise the bloggosphere would be filled with good rants about idiots.
It is now, but I find that the idiot ranting you take home with you just isnt as potent and more sour than the spur of the moment loveliness one thinks of ten seconds after the acutal incident occured.
I digress.

What have I been up to?
Oh everything and anything and nothing.
Everything as in Ive worked full time (mentally, at least) with something that was supposed to be part time, get me places, and just in general, be fucking awesome.
Anything, anything at all I could afford or have time for was what I did when I wasnt working/stressing out. Meaning no choice.
Nothing is what I have to show for it now, come September. No money, no thesis, Im not too sure about work, definatly no tan fading, creativity and potential love all fucked, you know whatever.

Choices are important to me, its not as much about walking the right path, its about walking your own path. My path since forever, feels like its been chosen for me. I have no jewish mom telling me to be a doctor/marry a doctor, but I have a knack for ignoring whatever Im feeling and doing "the right thing", perhaps even when it might be wrong.
Whoa, either very deep or contradictory load of bull. I could go either way here, no one cares about this place, including me.
Point being, when someone "asks" you to work part time with research at the university, and youre as newbie as they come, its not a choice to accept, you just do. When your living with you ex, and youre soo sick of not being wanted (everywhere Ive lived damnit), an overpriced studentapartment is not a choice, its a fact. I can go on and on about how almost every aspect in my life is like this, but it wont make anything any different. What bothers me most is that Ive always been convinced that its all about choices, even the stuff that "happens" to you, are things you are letting happen to you. And now, this is true to an extent, but what about when you made the wrong choices for too long? How do you pull the breaks on such a thing?

.....

Well, I dont know. But: Beer!!

well, yeah, but is it art?

2008-03-18T15:39:00.002+01:00

Nah-ah, its 25 min of paint! Awesome!

Also; when youre eating a real tasty sallad, but its not enough, you know, you need bread.
If you, like me, put your bread in the owen a lot (there's an accident waiting to happen, and I dont even have insurance!), Im just going to share that keeping the owen open while its cooling off + tasty bread with olive oil and salt = just a lil slice of heaven.
Toast - heaven without the stroke.

Memento Mori

2008-03-18T13:49:00.002+01:00

So, break-down was obviously needed and way over due. Good riddens, now if the pain behind eyebrow would just up and leave, we could really get startin here. Seriously, feels like its just gonna 'splode all over the screen. Eewww.

I fell asleep watching O Brother yesterday, so today felt kinda awkward until I started digging death songs. Yeah, strange fruit, dark night, all that.

Problem when stressing while being petrified, like yesterday, is that you know (You KNOW) exactly how goddamn lucky you are to have that. You know what people think of you for possibly screwing it up, you wouldnt want to speak any ill of it, cause its so goddamn lucky, you practically have leprechauns coming out of you arse (and oh, Hi, Happy S:t Paddy's day!)

But uh, where was I? Oh yeah, dont think its about lazy or not being grateful enough, thats all Im saying. I know exactly how blessed I am, but Im also starving and working really hard, so Im entitled to bitching.

You might feel defense is red-alerting a bit today, and thats because Ive returned to forum lurking. Its fun! People get all mixed up in drama, politics, bassoons (sp?) and whatnot. Coming from outside, its hilarious. We've all been there I suppose (no wait, what?).

Now its more blues, dreaming about warm weather and avocado sallad royale. Peace!

Is there a doctor in the house?

2008-03-17T18:25:00.002+01:00

I know, still no dazzling art work or even update and yadayada. Noone reads this anyways (cept you, sweetie; Hi!).

Ive been doing double courses since 25th of Jan, moved around the 20th of Feb, having awesome sex meanwhile, and now Im apperently assistant in this research project (HUGE!) and Im not even close to qualified for it, but there ya go. Like dad said 'life's unfair, but sometimes thats your advantage'. So life, to put it mildly, has been somewhat hectic.

Nearly no social events, no beer, no money to spend on fun things or hell, even tasty things.
Just study, study, work, stress, work, study, study, (sexytime), work, eat cheap and close-to disgusting things. Makes Ed a dull girl, naturlich.

Cause, its like this; Ive had these periods of time before; no money and a lot of responsibility, youre not in control of your own time, and theyre fine, I can handle them... For two weeks.
Now we're pushing four, and this after (by my standards) a rough patch and I just-

I need to breathe. I need control over one morning or night, one without stress or thoughts.

Im not being friend enough, Im not being partner enough (where its needed), Im barely a daughter, Im just a student (coincidently quite low-ranking in the goverments eyes).
My mind, of course, thrives on this, and is currently indulging in weird dreams and thoughts completely unrelated to the matter at hand (school, if ya missed it) and Im telling you, Im not able deal with them in a healthy manner. Youre not helping!

Struggling with all these thoughts about possibly, maybe, being one of those I used to despise, one that everything seems to work out for (what if I am?) when I should be doing the dishes in my awesome "apartment", write my resumé and just get on with it - Now, I feel I came to a halt.
Its just Stop. Fuck.

Sing sing sing

2008-02-20T12:29:00.002+01:00

(somewhat manically).
New housing, new internets (that works, people!) and its been a few hectic days, weeks, no, months but yesterday the "apartment" (nah, sorry, one room is still no way near an apartment for me) was filled with the chemical romance that is nail polish and hair colour and that means Ive claimed it. (and and and?)

Just gimme a few days to catch up in school and sort the possible webhosting out, and we'll have this up and running in no time. Ive already stocked up on booze.

MWAH.

I rubbed this all over my face

2008-01-06T15:59:00.000+01:00

Yeah, so..Where was I?
No matter. Deal is, everyone (and I mean almost everyone I know) are having babies and/or getting married this year. Im not happy for them. I will be, promise, as soon as I live somewhere (anywhere as long as Im by myself now), as soon as Im no longer wearing plastic bags in my shoes to keep the snow out. I will be, whenever I stop feeling like such a looser and failure for not being there, wanting that, not stressing out about it.

I decided today to give myself January. My bestest birthday and xmas present to myself. As much as needed, during this month, Im allowed to mope, bitch, cry, all that, no holding back. Its ok.
Come February Im living somewhere on my own, am being most happy for all my friends and am succeeding in school, because of my international wit. Awesome.

Ive never wanted you more

2008-01-05T16:09:00.000+01:00

Its true. And as it should be, there's nothing I can do about it, part from pining away at work.

I crave it, I long for it, I daze off in vivid dreams about it. When I do, I can almost feel the keys under my fingers, the strange light from the screen on my face, as if it was the only sun I know during winter. Which, of course, is close to true.

I guess thats why I miss blogging so much, Ive been racing to close to the boundries of honesty land.

Here, everyone speaks their mind. Short, heart-felt injections of their reactions to your actions all the time. O-rama.

And I am forced to do the same. The realisation of my nature being a bad one, a defect one, wasnt the lightbulb moment I wouldve hoped, but a crawling chill rather. So I adjusted - No, I changed - I "worked on it"? - Fuck you, I was easily swayed by the idea of Mine being something Broken. And so I agreed. To adjust. I bought into the myth of ... Of a lot of things.

And you know, when theres so much else going on. Who are we kidding, there's always so much else going on.
But when youre trying to do these things you know are right, you know? The studies, the togetherness. All those things Im so brilliantly horrible at. And everything you touch turn to shit. To be continued.

disclaimer

2007-07-22T12:34:00.000+02:00

"I am not under any orders to make the world a better place."
He said, and I mightve believed him, as I do when someone seems sure enough.
Truth be told, I was knocked out by CNN, had to clean the entire apartment while listening to Bob Dylan, really loud to block out any evil that might venture thru the open windows.

My sentences are broken after leaving all the important ones on my desktop, but if I keep seeing them as NP+PP etc, I might even be able to put something coherent here, or atleast, linear.

...
Nah, fuggit. Let the chaos of my high octane mind run out here as well, I like you now, and with less people to juvenile-shly impress, knowing there'll be alcohol two days straight, free flow.

Ill be running a drunken experiment on pownce tonight, hopefully if bf doesnt get in the way, and other than that Im twittering less than I want to, its called selfcontrol.
Other than that that, Im hoping Ill be able to put up a proper design here alt. move this to somewhere I can. I need pictures in here, otherwise the thoughts wont fit, theyre like windows, see? Im working on it, but like with everything regarding the homesituation, things are moving slow.

For the record, I am also working literally everyday. Every. Day.

"What happened is that um, I kinda got this arcane glimpse of the universe and the best thing I can say about that is... I don't know. "

Like a Radio

2007-07-04T14:13:00.000+02:00

Draft I made coupla weeks/days ago (i dunno) and I happen to keep a no draft policy right now. Its quite tedious but everything needs to get out there. Fly, little fella. fly.

Its a job, you know. Nothing more or less. I just happen to be very good at it.

And as usual, with things that comes easy, Im bored. Still need the money, with what, all this dreaming of mine going on, and I cant really disagree with the amount of free movies Im watching.

So what do I do? Well, part from trying to convince Boss I need a monkey to fetch the boxes, I also work hard, a lot. Seeing how much time I spend doing other stuff (or internetting/notworking) I see how thats hard to believe.

Truth be told, Im just a quick learner and dont care/get payed enough to do all the things I need to.

Thank you, ms Obvious.

Where am I going? Oh yeah. Life's not fair, mmkay, we know this. But Im getting somewhat sick of people around me expecting applause for the most mundane and natural of tasks.

"Oh you did what you were supposed to, payed taxes AND fixed whatever errand?"

Really? Thats just spectacular, idiot. Now, if you could just manage to contain some sense of personal hygiene and actually treat me as a person, well, darling, that would be just swell.

In nerdrelated news: Im disturbingly enthustiatic about the transformers movie, Im re-reading Preacher, cause basically, Im just in a gun-toting mood, and Dylans Love and Theft seems to be working as an awesome soundtrack to all this madness. Or lack of, I wouldnt know.

I keep falling over

2007-07-03T15:30:00.000+02:00

Summer is thrashing outside, yearning me to drink heavily in parks and feel bad about it the next day.
Its just a house, not a home, but slowly realising it is, and that I put myself here. And maybe I need this, maybe this dislocation is just temporary panic of not finding that stupid piece of puzzle, probably just someones nose or whatever, and I need not find it to see the motif.

Im not gonna lie, Im censored up to my ears in this place too, and I wish I could talk to you like I need to.
"Its not about how you feel, its about how you make others feel" well, fuck you sir, it is not.
For some it may be, and I was getting adopted into this whole wonderful family of Beautiful Freaks (meant in the best, possible way) but Im getting worn out, ran down and diminished.
Or, she wrote in a moment of clarity, I was doing it to myself. No idea to be pointing fingers, I thought, but its hard not to surrender to the current trend.

I keep passing out.
Blacking out whatever I dont know how to deal with right now, and when Im done doing that Ill.. I might not.

Where do I start, where do I begin?

2007-07-02T18:22:00.000+02:00

While the mightiest of mighty martial arts kinda gangster music is playing in the background (Kung Fu Hustle, not great, but I do enjoy the sound of it) I will attempt to compose a summary of sorts.

I picked up Stranger thursday night, and went on dragging him and luggage thru old town in order for him to get some sights, part from you know, me and festival. We come home and Boyfriend was Wiiing (heh) his heart out.
Im retarded and forgot to leave a key at work, but we needed candy so it wasnt so bad.
Best friend and coworker said he looked lost.

And from here on its just drinking, grass, standing in line A LOT, geeky dancing, sexy cansei, and I admit he got me a bit too drunk (you know the town drunk? yeah, not pretty) all paths leading to the Calling of The Hun, which was awesome, but quite intimidating.

Day Two have more awesome bands, but shitty weather, also I was trying to keep my brain from splitting in two.
I did really enjoy Maccabees and Rufus Wainwright in particular, mostly cause Bright Eyes almost tore me apart.
Day Two also showed crappy planning from both my side and whatever fuckheads ran the festival.
Clearly they underestimated the amount of people attending, so lines for beer and ladies was goddamn right awful. Specially since I failed in my mission to hook Stranger up with random swedes, which I completely blame on the lack of cool people. Nyah. So for future reference; lack of beer plus Bright Eyes live in a sea of couples = not cool, man.
Good times, good times, but I need recovery and my linguistic superpowers back.

On a personal note, its a weird kinda mirror meeting someone who's technically from the past, only, you didnt realise until he showed up, and that makes you rethink a lot of the stuff that comes natural now.
This, my friends, is a good thing, but it eats energy like it was your soul.

Whenever people visit, I seem to be having the crappiest weekends; Bboy's working, weather is horribly brittish and some sort of money issue. This time around it didnt phase me though.

"oh my god, thats a horrible thing to say"

2007-06-26T17:57:00.000+02:00

Except the randomness and impulses that are now being injected into twitter, I fear this place here being mostly for updates, and that would somehow mean the death of blogging for me.
I know many have fallen, but dammit, Im still in it for the rants.
Having said that;

Togetherness in a confined space is actually treating me good. Boy lost keys (probably in water, during alcohol and midsummer) first week, so now I have the upperhand in everything. I might add it was my fabulously clever idea to get them copied instead of panicking.
When I got home the other night he'd washed almost all my clothes and cooked me dinner, and fuck yeah, I love having a 50's homemaker waiting for me.
He is being retarded though, and does things in a very crazy round-about way, and still manage to make me look like the insane one, and what can I do cept admire him for it?
Ive slept better these last days than I have for months, and I love coming home.

This morning I cut my hair, myself, infront of the bathroom mirror. I say it went okayish, but it does feel plain after having all that hair to curl.
Im running insanely low on money, and I still have to spend a lot on Accelerator this weekend, and there will be a lot of beer and urgh. Vanity hit me hard on some days too, and Im dying for a pair of new converse. I know how that sounds, but fuggoff, if you jump to some sort of sex and the city implication you dont know me at all.

Im feeling warmer and more confident in my linguist.. well, I suppose we should wear sweaters, wouldnt we? So linguist sweater then. I dont know if you know the feeling, but its like when something theoretical evolves into a skill, a knowledge not in your head, but in your gut.
Its quite reassuring.

A friend of mine is turning 27, hence having a Dead Idols party. I was thinking Courtney Love, realised she's not dead, but then agreed with the popular opinion "She is to me". Other good ones I cant pull off are Piaf, Hunter and Chris Farley. Of course, Joplin would be awesome, and Im fugly enough to make it work, but Im thinking there might be 5 others.

New pet peeves: Old people, French people, The Fountain

Hey ho

2007-06-13T21:13:00.000+02:00

Lets go!
(Saw a guy wearing a 'hey oh, lets go' tshirt but come on, there's an aspiration there)
Updates, updates:
*looks like Im moving Sunday through out Monday, not packed at all, but feel as I have fulfilled all duties at current apartment. So, now its just a matter of throwing, packing and then trowing away some more.
*seems like we have many happy helpers and possibly a free truck(esque car).
*working all summer isnt going to suck. Or. Its not sucking yet.
*tan. Partial.
*no quitting smoking just yet.
*I do like my boyfriend. He's awesome. Silly me.
*linguistics is fun, and Im starting to develop skills. Who knew?

wordswordsWORDSand I forget themAllOverMyDesk, which Im leaving now anywaysMaybesomeONEwilldrawtheirfingerALONGitsoonandaccidentlypickupmyWORDS.
Youre welcome.

Tropico - POP!

2007-06-10T13:15:00.000+02:00

Wow. So the 70's feel was just a sneak peak of what to come.
I am rebelling, fukres, and I havent even bothered to make up a cause.

Stockholm is hot, hot HOT. As soon as you step out there's this wall of heat, and no wind whatsoever. Even the birds sound more mediterranean. Im barefoot at work, cursing 'pigfucker' every time something needs to be cursed, and just thinking of pre- and suffixes in general.
Why? Because Im - able to, now when last exam is (most likely) passed.

My schedule tells me Ill be working three weeks straight, everyday. Im on day 2 now, and already bored, so lets see what we can do about that. Well, I have to.
Im moving in a week or so (no packing done yet, no) , come 28th Im expecting to get shitfaced at this festival here, accompanied by a complete stranger. Fun! And then, its just work work work, (hopefully) Ill head way out west, all while my hair keeps growing, pants keep flaring and my relationship gets weirder and weirder.

I dont know how Im going to muster all that social energy, man, I already feel terribly hungover. All. The. Time.

But, wow. So much blogtime coming up though (apperently, noone rents dvds during the summer, SHOCKING!), and without linguistics cock-blocking my brain, Im able to dabble in all sorts of stuff, whenever I want, but we all know that the first two weeks will be about regaining some sort of Hotness and Cool. Thats just how I roll.

Tough beans buddy, 'cause that's the way it's gonna be.

2007-05-27T16:14:00.000+02:00

I told her I was proud of her, that I love her and I miss her, and that Im not only saying so on Mothers Day, its just that lately theyve been very hard to reach.
After a conversation like that, there's nothing to do but turn Holly Golightly.

I get the moral, the lesson if you will, of Breakfast at Tiffanys. But am I the only one thinking she might be onto something, anyways?

Dawn

2007-05-26T12:50:00.000+02:00

And I did get a flickr account, and I am uploading the pictures, and I guess there is much to tell but I found myself without words. Insert Fawn + Draft here.

However, I am moving. Soon. What living with boyfriend will be like, I have no idea, but Im thinking it will be better than current situation. State. Sphere. Im very excited (but not unrealisticaly so) about it, and the new neighbourhood is purdy, albeit less central.

In fact, I let myself be excited again; over potential summer with money and freedom (I know! No, Im not kiddin!), friends in the country again, love and all the sex I want, transformers & pirates, music, flares, and why yes, I do feel some sort of spirit of the seventies coming over me. Would that be so bad?

Since my life breaks down into movies, rather than weeks, I thought Id put down some:
This week, since the sun is shining (and will for many hours more) films I really enjoyed
Children of Men (If you liked playing Half Life, youd prolly like it)
Tenacious D, for the soundtrack
Stranger than Fiction
Little Miss Sunshine
The Lives of Others
And, the one that made me, the girl who never, ever, cried or even sniffled during a film (not even E.T, when I was six, or whatever) break down like a little girl:
Babel.

My mouth is dry from pollen and cigarettes, the pile of returned DVDs is growing and in all honesty, Im not as poetic as I want to be.

So long, suckers

2007-04-16T22:33:00.000+02:00

So lack of updates is expected. Ill be on this other island for two weeks. Awesome.

their bodies pressed against mine

2007-04-14T11:01:00.000+02:00

After X months working in a videostore you:

dont feel like discussing/recommending movies anymore (yeah, you do, but only with friends)
feel your former excellent taste degenerate
still dont see any of the swedish or danish films
get sick of people
re-evaluate the term 'life' (as in having one or not)
wonder if everyone is working monday to friday, nine to five? Seems like it.
perfected your 'Im really pleased' smile. Aka the moneymaker.
feel no Sunday blues whatsoever.
picked up blogging again, out of boredom
tend to forget changing out of your work clothes, and have at a few occassions almost ventured out in the night wearing this awful tshirt.
get very excited when a film is not what you expected
have completely forgotten what Saturday night used to taste like
look out on the last six months of releases, and realise youve seen them all

Taste funny

2007-04-07T18:00:00.000+02:00

Life, my own and others', is a complete mess. And I know all you non-readers are just dying to know how that manifests itself. Oh ho, my friends, in the timeless question of:
'Did I leave the coffee maker/curling iron/stove on?'
Noone's home, and Im trapped at work, and of course Im sick of anxeity.
Now, now, I have never ever left the house with anything on, but wouldnt it be grand if today, because theyre not at home/me and bf dont have anywhere to live/tension is already high, I would for the first time? That way, I would have nothing else to worry about.

Ah, forgive the words of utter despair, I guess its not all bad. I just dont see the silverlining or end or beginning right now.

Easter: I talked to my parents, they announced opening yet another restaurant, even though they cant afford/have time for the two old ones. I announced my homelessness. They responded with how much money they owe the bank, and how much money I owe them. Mwah.
Love you guys.
Felt kinda bad for not calling on any relative for easter, but Im working, and its not like therye at home anyways. Or like they called me.

When I got to work today, my coworker said I had the saddest eyes she's ever seen. And then she took my picture.
What am I supposed to say?

Rabbit holes

2007-04-04T19:02:00.000+02:00

Frame semantics. Linguist or not, you really get it when youre dealing with customers day and ..
Pop!

How come kids born 80-81 look old now, and them from 77 dont real.. Pop!

I havent saved nearly enough money for the upcoming trip, and I will have to bring, like, half a pharmacy. Im not panicking though, we'll manage. There's a few pre-paid adventures (I know. I keep having nightmarish visions of buses packed with old people too.) and all I really wanna do it walking, eating and sexing anyways, and thats not gonna cost us a lot. But you know how it goes, you find stuff you want, you eat and drink like pigs with munchies and I just dont want to argue about it. Or owe anyone anything. Or even.. Pop!

Kids, dont smoke, mmkay? 'S really hard to quit, and you kinda know you have to. Im seriou.. Pop!

There's a few things I miss; hanging out, talking on the phone for hours, fika with cigarettes, getting all dressed up and excited every weekend, not being annoyed, jeans size 25..hell, Ill settle for 27, not knowing certain things... And wow, there's a lot of things I dont miss. Drama, stupidity, drugs (funny how they seem closely link.. Pop!

I went. Again.

2007-04-03T12:58:00.000+02:00

And so it was, that I fell completely back in love with blogs and bloggers, and I dont care how many pro's there are out there, finding cool people with the same relationship to words as yourself (albeit, more talanted and native) is intoxicating, and I want to spend every night with new and old crushes.
Im liking her. A alot.
And what the queen bee did for me and my inspiration, back in the day, I couldnt begin to explain.
My prince now looks like someone out of Entourage, but years down the line, he hasnt stopped to amaze me.

Today I was supposed to get together with the crankiest canadian Ive ever met, and with mutual efforts make up some clever answers for the exam. Naturally, he bailed on me (seems to be a theme this week) and so I have to muster up all that ambition and discipline by myself. Wtf?

Well, the earth died screaming

2007-04-03T01:00:00.000+02:00

While I lay dreaming. Dreaming of you.

See, I dont even know who 'you' is. Maybe its just an updated version of me.
Sorry to say half of the things tonight did not come true, which doesnt mean Im not blogging or drinking wine, cause obviously I am.
Im just gonna send out all the stuff that keeps coming back, right here, out in cyberspace. In little bitesize portions. And then, whenever I need to re-trace, here they'll be.

* Why am I always half out the door in every relationship? I want to be here, I want to stay here, open up, but..
I get bored. Annoyed. Restless. Or maybe you suck, what do I know? Nothing, thats what.

* Where am I? Ive been hiding from myself for like two years now. Its getting old. Come out, come out.

* Social Gender. Oh dear lord youre pissing me off. I dont care how "frigid" it seems to be a feminist, fuck you and your ignorant opinions. You have no idea.

* Censur of self. No, seriously, why cant I scream when Tom Waits is doing it in Such a Scream? Why cant I dance? Why would my writing be bad? Of course he's into you.

* Popcorn and red wine. They dont teach you this on Jamie Olivers Twist at Home or whatever, but do it. 'S awesome.

* Sex. Im not sick of it, oh no no, it occupies my mind day and night. But Im sick of being patient. And then to blame.

Right now, listening to Tom Waits, having worked a hard day, had some wine and popcorn, I really like me.
That cant be bad, right?

Its like that Cure song..

2007-03-04T11:21:00.000+01:00

Never enough. Im not gonna go into whether we're biologically designed to do this, or if its that old excuse of soceity being the bastard here, but make no bones about it, we're never ever satisfied. Ever.
From the simplest things like the videostore releasing The Devil wears Prada, people literally fight over it, and when most of them seen it, they start asking for Borat. All of them.
Or how the minute, no scratch that, even days before Sims 2 Seasons are released, they all start talking about the next expansion pack.
All the way to the proper stuff, like why I remove one source of misery only to find there's another one. Always tweaking, polishing and cleaning our days, personalities until they finally fit that magazine glossy picture we have in our head.
Look, I know its never gonna be that simple. I get that this whole thing, these eighty years or so we're bound to walk this earth, is supposed to be a struggle. What I dont get is how youre supposed to stop for air?

Generally, Im good at taking time of, only to appreciate the things I do have; this totally amazing city, my wonderful friends, roof over my busy head and food in mah belly, its awesome.
Lately, seems like even though I work to get all that and more, took some time of school in order to not be sucha bitch all the time, and still I cant seem to get back to that gut feeling that tells me everything's ok.

Completely unrelated, for two days now Ive had springlike running in my legs, sun outside my window and warmer gusts of wind. 'S lovely, but Im still trapped at work. Nyah.

pre-monday

2007-02-25T21:52:00.000+01:00

Ive had a goddamn awful day.
So even if my new, rosy outlook is intact and stable, you can still have sucktard days. And you know, even if I am doing a lot better, I keep having crap sandwhich days. With our without positive thinking. Nevertheless, here I am, working 13 hrs straight, feeling kinda good about things to come.

There'll be a lot of spare time from now on. Ill be working weekends, but only semi-schooling, and so; apartment will be found, creativity re-discovered, upkeep kept and Sims 2 Seasons played. Also, Im planning to have massive amounts of sex.

Slight personal historical moment a few days ago, I ate a banana!
I was very allergic to them when I was just an infant, and it stayed with me as a kid. Naturally, after kindergarten, I never ate a banana, cos why would I wanna throw up for hours?

So, thursday was a day off, and with nothing better to do, I curled up three meters from the toilet with phone (call an ambulance if needed), sweatpants, water, antihistamine and junk tv.
Slowly, I discovered this fruit (sorry, berry, shmessermitts) y'all take for granted. Lemme tell you, there's nothing like it, it cannot be described for someone who cant eat it. Weird, sweet, tangy and kinda meaty. See? Impossible.
As well as the experience of eating something so common, but so (for you) dangerous. Ive been thaught that the smell and touch of it = hazard, and now Im about to volontarily take a big bite of this obscene fruit? (sorry, berry)

For all the starlets

2007-02-05T22:38:00.000+01:00

Oh how I wish I could be you. I used to be just like you, you know. All fizz and smiles, stars in eyes, with an air of cool, not because I needed to impress, but I honestly didnt care whatever opinion you had of me. The less I cared, the more they cheered. I was clever, fun, naturally thin and pretty, why would I care? About what, exactly?
There was no global warning (or, as long as you werent china or marge simpson, you were fine), I was gonna quit smoking anyways, noone gets hurt as long as youre honest, I dont get hurt as long as I stay sharp.
My excuses were many and weak, people were upset and there, I thinks, it started.

The realisation of not everyone is invincible.

I was ok with that, I saw people acting a lot worse than me. Then remembering my dads words; 'you should never compare yourself with the people finishing the race last, youre better than that'. I wasnt.

Point being; I am now.
But by Gid, god or gudrun, what toll its taken.

I wanna be a starlet again.

"Women and children first, and children first"

2006-09-06T11:05:00.000+02:00

Yeah, no, there's no need whatsoever to bitch about poor posting. Bitch, please.
Why?
I was at effin Gotland all summer, working for my parents. No net, no money, no fun, nothing but potatoes (really!). It was, by all means, horrible. And yes, youre right, whats the use bitching about it now, its over and done with, and it obviously didnt kill me, in which case it is supposed to make me stronger, right? Wrong.

After six weeks of panic attacks, hostage situations in the car, relief at 12 hr work days, and then back to crying and shouting, feeling like the cold, heartless kid Im brought up to be, and trying to remember who I wanted to be, I come home only to face post-traumatic stress bleedin social Fear (yes, with a big F).

I coup myself up, alone in the apartment Im never alone in, where Me and Mine is being more and more rejected, shoved away, blamed and ..Phew, you guys, you wouldnt believe the paranoia. Ill survive, like I always do. Nothing, nothing bends Ed.

I start working at a chain of videostores (retarded word nowadays isnt, should be dvd-rental or something), which comes almost too natural for me. In school we are right now in the exciting and thrilling stage of phonology, people, and Ive been lucky to have a few lectures in english which made everything much easier. It seems like thats going to stop soon though.

All in all, peeps, its going to be a fucking awesome semester, with:
* cool things to study (ofcourse I am going to bitch about them then..)
* new compy soon
* comedys, documentaries, drama, thrillers, action, everything in the reach of my arm for nothing at all, nothing at all.
* Sims Pets. No, shut up, its going to be awesome. I dont care how lame that makes me. F u.
* some actual extra cash, which means new shoes and stuff, which means Im going to be painfully hot this fall.

And d'you know the best part? I deserve every last thing after this summer, I really do.

"Stan says youre a c-c-unt-t-t"

2006-05-26T13:13:00.000+02:00

This place is still a studder, like we all know what Im trying to say, but we politely wait until I reach that last syllable. Thank you.

pre-coffee paranoia

2006-05-26T09:56:00.000+02:00

Brace yourselfs, its true; I havent had my coffee yet.
In short, lately, its all been about me, me and me. Which, you know, is fine, sometimes it needs to be, but if you so blatently see why it is so, shouldnt you try to change?
Why, is because every single little thing is decided over my head, for me, and Im just trying to keep up. Its nothing like brochure said it would be, kids.

Its not necessary to bitch about it, I just need to change it ...like, soon.
If you want the detailed gore-y list of whats exactly the matter, here you go:
I feel Im not good enough for boyfriend, so I do anything he wishes, I live with two friends, but not of mine, I try to make us all happy, which leaves me having tantrums by myself, and they remark on things which really isnt necessary, at all, and also, in their effort of being nice, some people lay huge heaps of responsibility on me, which I really didnt sign up for, and ma & pa decided to make me boss at their restaurant this summer, and I just would like to escape the decisions and whatnot, please.
And you who dont give a damn, you can start reading again.

So anyhooo, I need to finish analyzing my spectogram, and we have our final test on monday.
I really should get to panicking soon, but I cant really be bothered. Coffee, anyone?

"Everybody sees themselves walkin' around with no one else"

2006-05-22T18:28:00.000+02:00

Isnt that the truth?
At the end of the day, after all the friends we made and all the shoulders we rubbed, who's there beside you? You are.
I know Ive been hard on him before, and how I interpret his hetero-normative-reinforcement-movement will probably be dealt with here sooner or later, but here's to you, doc. We only have one best friend that is guaranteed to stick around, one to really confide in, trust and one we know is looking out for us.
Me, meet Self, Self, this is Me. Awesome, youre sucha cute couple.

Cause if Im going to try to find "my other half" (or something even remotely vague and hippiesque), chanses are that Id drop dead, of old age and/or dissapointment, before reaching that goal.
Im not preaching for total self-suffiecency here, or complete isolation.
No, I mean.., I turn insane if I spend too much time alone, you need to experience things outside of you too, Im just saying;
If you dont have your back, who does?

And thats all for re-stating the obvious today, thank you.
Give me a break, its been a very long day and a very tireing weekend.

Who am I? ...Im DoubtWoman!

2006-05-15T22:24:00.000+02:00

Sorta big presentation tomorrow. We've been evaluating a machine translation system, and now Im supposed to stand there and tell them "our results". Its not as advanced as I want to make it out to be, and my only problem, besides "our results" being just as fuzzy it sounds, is the conflict of identity I meet everytime I have to do something like this.

Do I focus on reading up, preparing for questions that will surely come, rehearse the presentation in my head? Do I, like the athletes, visualise myself holding the best damn presentation ever? No. What do I do? I paint nails, do hair, pick out clothes, check the weather like a crazy person and breathe. Who am I? Im Doubtwoman.

See, in situations like this, interviews and what nots, Im pretty confident in me.
Im not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but Im good at bullshitting, using what I do know and ad-libing. False sense of security? Of course. But you know, so far so good, ne?
What I doubt is how I look. Always. So Im thinking why not beat that down first.

So here I am, curlers in my hair, nailpolish-smelling apartment, red wine on my desk, listening to Bowies 'Young americans'. Aaaallright.

Much Overdue: The Introduction, Chapter One (sliiightly updated)

2006-05-04T11:21:00.000+02:00

You dont even know how much you want this, ladies and gentlemen.
Lets start with the basics: I am swedish, in a lot of ways. Im 24 going on 25, and Im not stressing about it nearly enough. Apperently, Im a RGLDf (the Windowshopper) and not proud of it.
Im studying linguistics, and I cant get this song out of my head. Im a caffeinist, and a nicotinist (of this, Im not too proud either). I do like, and can get a bit too excited about "nerdy things", good or different movies and music. Whenever I get my nose out of out of schoolbooks, it ends up in other books, magazines or (mostly) in front of shows I enjoy.
At the moment, I live with two guys, of which none is my boyfriend. Apart from the sitcomical aspects of this, it is both good and bad, I suppose.
Im an only child, parents still together, and this sorta makes me out to be a spoiled brat who believes in true love. That is not the case. Though I do find it hard to be an open cynic. I cant help but feel like that is "giving up". Whatever dark thoughts that stirs within me, are my own.

Im horribly unorganized, always doing things in the last minute and thru out gradeschool I kept hearing "We know you can do better, if you try", and apperently, that didnt mean I was doing bad. I like to think that I have the ideas of an underachiever with the mad skills of an overachiever (that kicks in way too late)..Or was it the other way around..?

Im easily frightened, mostly by myself (and the scenarios I make up) and by two asian horrormovies. The fact that I sometimes suffer from sleep paralysis, doesnt really help, but somehow makes it easier. Less crazy.

I discovered that the most provocative thing you can be, is unprovocable. Im not easily impressed, angered or insulted. As long as everyone gets to play by the same rules, Im ok with a lot of things.

One of the areas where I do get a bit stingy, is equalism. There's a lot of things I want to do, and Im hoping to publish a book at some point. Sadly, it would only be read by the people who doesnt need to read it.

Now, I have lab reports to write, books to read, and a head to rest. End of transmission.

Blank

2006-05-01T22:45:00.000+02:00

Rightio. All focus on Thursday now, all focus.
Ive got some good news, and some bad news.
Good being my workload is somewhat lesser, Ive accepted postponing and turned it into an artform and I loved and finished Half Life 2 (late, I know, but thats how it goes).
Bad being; I havent done nearly enough. I have no job for the summer (not from lack of trying though, so Im not beating myself up over it) which means working for parents on Gotland.
In my head Im trying to paint this image of me being out in the nature, working hard, coming back to the city looking like Health personified. Yeah. Tanned, fit, rested.
(pause for laughs)
Its going to be hell, kids. Hell. Boss? Parents. Home? Parents. Salary? Peanuts. Health? I have echsema on my hands, and Ill be working in a kitchen. You do the math. Social Life? Nada. And yup, my darlings, probably little to no internet.
Im trying to look at the bright sides, focus on school work and being grateful for what I do have, and at least I have a job but you know.. My parents are known for one thing, which is screwing me over. When it comes to business and money, I cant trust them, and even if I could, I have no idea how to pay rent for May and June. These thoughts, with other things Im trying hard not to think about, tends to come at night.
And so, children, it is time for a confession (seeing how mostly "safe" people are reading this, if any)..
Im back to the state I was in 6 years ago. Sleeping disorders, trouble eating, trouble keeping food, sharp stomach pains and non-functioning mind.
ONLY reason why Im posting this here is that I need to put it down somewhere, you know, and I cant deal with some folks around me being too concerned or crazy about it, cause I know itll pass. Ill be fine. I just need to get through this.

Oh I cant wait til I get to write an upbeat post, something to match the song of the day:
Suburban Kids with Biblical Names - Funeral Face (such an odd song.)

Oh no you didnt..

2006-04-27T22:10:00.000+02:00

Yup yup. Not only did ma boy promise to take care of a bill (huge amounts of gratitude over here) but he also forgot it. The bill in itself is already delayed, and in my name. Of course, this is not his or anyone elses fault except my own, but it also proves I cant trust anyone but myself to get it done.
In the realising moment of this, I also find out there's too little money on my account to pay the rent. Becuase the fucktards (who spend their days very close computers, ie able to transfer money) didnt do the ONE thing that is asked of them. ONE. Im not even bitching about toiletpaper, garbage, advertisment, newspapers, I swear to god Im not.
Also, I got home way too late today, no studying done and probably horrible results on phonetics quiz, cause Im doing twice the amount of work my fellowstudents are in our particular group. I dont even know why.

Yup. You got me. Its a pity post. Felt like a natural evolution after drunken post, no?
Im just very very tired, and constantly slipping behind. And so hysterically broke. And so sick of being the only adult. All the time. (Which, you know, tends to make you heap all your stuff on the people who actually can take care of themselves, and that makes me feel like a bad panda).

And for the love of.. If youre sitting überclose to your speakers in the livingroom (you know, where other people live), you really dont need to crank your speakers up. You just dont.

Drunk blogging, pt. 1

2006-04-27T01:15:00.000+02:00

Oh crap. Here it is again. Drunk blogging when there's other things to be done.
So uhm.. You know when you get together with someone from the past, and you dont really want it to end? Yup. That. With a dose of doubt about..Everything really. What am I doing with boyfirendu, mainly, but also with school, since I am caring so little about it.
I dunno, man. I dont recognize myself, but on the other hand, I havent for the last months, maybe Im metamorphosing again? Or..Have I ever stopped?
These, combined with a lot of Tale of Two Sisters and Ringu, will be following me to bed tonight, as boyfriend wont.
He's magical. He makes all boo boo's and grown up demons go away. I love the security he brings, but you know what that means.

After all that I ran from...

2006-04-25T21:41:00.000+02:00

...Where the fuck did you come from?
Head's about to 'splode. Like a very frustrated plosive, 'k' perhaps.
Today we're going to talk about change, children. It is, indeed, a very scary process, but oh so necessary. See, school hasnt been going ..whatyoupeoplesay..Great?
Which could easily been explained with, you know, managing a life and all. Ive been told thats a big no-no at uni. Fine, so the transition from working fulltime to studying fulltime didnt go as smooth as expected, no problem for this tough cookie.
Uh..What? Youre supposed to do it all the time? And X-nay on the halfassed attempts to fix everything around you? Not even your serious relationship or your messy apartment (since you apperently live with autistic five year olds. Which is odd, cause they do look like 23+..)??

Stop. Rewind.
Nah, hold it. Stop. And nothing. Thats it, isnt it? Nothing else. Not for some time at least.
Ive been all over the place, work screwed me over, illness and illness, friends, parents, I something you, no inspiration and no time for it, Oh ho hum I could make this a long, ugly list but I wont. Why? I make myself sick by thinking Im above excuses.
So, in our freezeframe, I am doing nothing.
If we fastforward Ill move quickly and awkwardly through Gilmore Girls, an egg, and now blogging. Oh yeah, between the egg and the blogging there was also the completely unnecessary relationship meltdown.

Ah yes. The impecable timing that is my boyfriend.
What I am (calm and collected) trying to say to him is: I need more time for studies. I dont want to spend more time apart from him, far from it, but this is what I need to do. And I dont know how to do it just yet, but I will try to figure out a way, and Im kind of close-to-breakdown right now. He gets this. One of the reasons why I dig him so much.
Then he turns all worried, then he turns all silent and thoughtful, and then BAM!
We need to talk about the relationship. Now, any girl (and quite a few boys, for that matter) would tell you; this is not a good thing. So ofcourse I wonder what he means.
Its no biggie, its nothing new, but we need to talk about it, it is important, it can wait til another day, but he hates leaving it over the phone... You dig? This is what I get on the day I need to make changes? Panic, problems and paranoia? Thank you. And good night.

Why I am doing this again pt.1

2006-04-24T22:37:00.000+02:00

We find our heroine alone in springtime Stockholm (finally!), on the train, devouring a foreign magazine, not understanding a word, but looking at the pretty pictures. As idiotic this may seem, it is infact the only way to read a fashion magazine without getting brainwashed, and this she will happily explain to you, would you ask her.
Suddenly, as the train accelerated from the station, it was as if something evoked within her. It feelt almost like .. A hunger, no, a need, no wait, something deeper and angrier... Th-The lust to rant!
It mightve been the obnoxious men sitting behind her, or all these months she's been biting her tounge, or even the ridiculous situation at work, who knows, but the moral of the story is;

Censor or no censor, you cant shake me off that easily. Bitches, peeps, I am back.

I need this kinda place to make me feel moderately good about myself, I need this to create at least a third of my messy head into some kind of sense or ..Some kind of shape at least, and I need this to vent, rant, panic, bitch, thrive, ooze, be drunk and blog (one of life's bittersweet pleasures), and you get the picture...

Introductions is a challange, and Im gladly accepting it. Tomorrow.